You can't read my poker face

Dear reader,

When it comes to reading my face, you are a scholer. You've writen a couple of disertations and given many of guest lectures at estemed universities. Next year you'll apply for tenure as professor of face reading. With in 10 years, you will no doubt be the leading expert in your field.

However, Poker Face Reading-not your forte. If fact, you are funtionaly illiterate. You think you can get me hot and show me what you've got? I think not. You can only dream of holding them like they do in Texas play.

I don't mean to brag, but unlike you I did recieve a B+ in Poker Face Reading 101. Granted I took the class at community college, but my professor said I showed great potential. Thus, a little gambeling is fun when you're with me.

Mum mum mum mah,
T. Renfro

P.S.
I'm bluffin' with my muffin

Quotes from the internet I thought were funny:

"You've never been deep until you've been Dr. Thunder deep."

"nothing more than anti-Billy the Kid rubbish."

"He really remindes me of Janet in this movie"
(A person's review of Michael Jackson in The Wiz)

"So me and my friend are on different teams (you know team Edward team jacob). Now I'm never talking or barging about my team. I also neer call her names or make fun of her team. But she is ALWAYS in my face barging and talking about her team, and calling me and me team names. Now she's my BEST friend but I'm SICK OF IT."

An Anorexic's Food Diary

Now that I've started my own food diary, I wanted to see what an anorexic's food diary would look like. Here is an example of one below:

OMG...I am so fucking fat!!!

For breakfast I ate a fart.
I was going to skip lunch, but I was tooo hungry, so I ate my usual 6 lightly salted Q-tips.
At dinner time I chewed my nails and nibbled on some popcorn seeds.
Of course I had my nightly Dulcolax stool softner, so I was able to treat myself to another fart.

Food Diary

Due to my recent food poisionings, my doctor suggested that I begin keeping a food diary. A food diary is a list of all the foods a person eats in a day.
Below is day 1.

Day 1

Breakfast:

1 sweet potato, chicken skin, and half a bottle of Tylenol. Nothing to drink.

Lunch:

1 apple core, 3 Ice cream cones with honey mustard on the side. 7.5 beers to drink.

Dinner:

8 slices of Wonder Bread and 1 small can of viany sausages marinated in a mixture of cinnamon, chili powder, and grape jelly. Vodka mixed with Mountain Dew to drink (quantity of drink unknown)

Cats the Musical

There is a cat that lives outside my building that can only be described as, "loud as a motherfucker." Nearly everyday this cat will make a noise similar to a crying baby.

Why would a cat make this noise? Well, the cat has either been in some type of horrific accident that has left it's paw in a mangled stub that is unable to heal do to the fact the cat must walk on the paw, or more than likely the cat is masturbating.

Oh, cats don't masturbate? Then what's the tail for genius?

One day while my friend was visiting, we heard the cat shrieking outside.
My friend said, "Is that a baby? Maybe we should help!"
"No, that's a cat," I said.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"Umm, I'm twenty five years old. I think I know the difference between a baby and a masturbating cat," I said.

I've tried to catch this cat in the act many times. However, this cat must have a really good hiding place. Much to my shock and embarrassment the cat once caught me masturbating. I didn't even see her peeking through the window, until it was too late.
"Touche cat......, touche," I said.

Adjectives

In my home town there is a certain subculture of girls who speak using only three adjectives. These adjectives are amazing, retarded, and gay.

Surprisingly one of these three words can be used to describe literally very single noun or verb in the english language, except for something that is actually amazing, retarded, or gay.

It's also a safe bet to assume that if something is actually amazing, it will be considered as gay or retarded, while something that is considered low-brow will be considered amazing.

For example NPR, The Bicycle Theives, and all of Yo-Yo Ma's collective works are, "gay as hell."
The new season of The Hills, or Kanye West's new haircut are, "soooo amazing."

Most often the adjectives are used in text messages or facebook status updates.
For your reading pleasure, I've included some true examples pulled from facebook.

OMG!!! New Moon was amazing!!!! It blew my mind!!!

Just got back from my date...Saw 6 was gay, but at least I got to spend time with my baby.

You ever fall asleep with your sox on and you wake up with one missing....retarded!!


amazing=good
retarded=stupid
* gay=lame/stupid

* Gay can sometimes be interchangeable with retarded, but never vice versa.