Living in China

We Americans describe the word diarrhea as:(di·ar·rhe·a) Excessive and frequent evacuation of watery feces, usually indicating gastrointestinal distress or disorder.
However, if you ask a Chinese person about diarrhea, they would would respond with,"What is diarrhea?"

You see the Chinese have no such word, because every bowel movement they've ever had hasbeen diarrhea.

As far as the Chinese are concerned, there is no such thing as a piece of solid fecal matter. If they were to ever pass a solid piece of poop they would probably think they were sick. No doubt they would rush to their local hospital where they would be tested for every medical condition fromhigh blood pressure, to the HIV virus. Rumor has it that a man from Taian once had a case of solid fecal matter so severe that he had to fly to Beijing for a CAT scan. Once in Beijing, the man was held for nearly a month for medical research.

Diarrhea is just as much a part of Chinese culture as chopsticks, or wearing the same pairof clothes everyday.

Though we Americans find the symptoms of extreme cramping and excessive pain associated with diarrhea to be uncomfortable, the Chinese actually find it to be a rewarding experience. They don't just like to have diarreah; they love to have diarrhea. Sometimes, having diarrhea is the best part of their day. When a Chinese person wakes up in the morning they say,
"What a beautiful day! The only way to make this day more beautiful would be to doo-doo on myself."

There are only a few causes for diarrhea in the U.S., which include food poisoning, dehydration, and watching Varsity Blues. Causes for diarrhea in China include literally everything. You don't even have to ingest food or liquid to get diarrhea. Taking a walk can cause diarrhea. Playing cards can cause diarrhea. Having an IV put in can cause diarrha. Even having diarrhea can cause more diarrhea.

The Surgeon General's warning on a pack of American cigarettes will warn of the dangerous of cancer and damage to unborn babies. On a pack of Chinese cigarettes, you will find a disclaimer from the cigarette manufacturer that reads,
"Smoking cigarettes will cause anal leakage. The makers of this product and their subsidiary companies bareno responsibility for the staining of any underpants. Please enjoy with caution."

On a personal note, I believe the Chinese take great pride in their diarrhea, or at least should. The diarrhea here has got to be the most foul and disgusting substance ever excreted from a human body, ever.Each sloppy mass is more horrifying to look at than then next. Just the thought is enough to make me vomit. I would rather watch a bullet go through a person's eye than look at some of the diarrhea here. My hope is that the the witnessing of these horrific viewings will not haunt me in my dreams for years to come. Here's to you China, and your diarrhea.

Super Cute

Today I saw a cat chase his tail. He ran in circles and pawed madly at the sand colored apendage that was never within reach. Then the cat rolled onto his back and flapped his arms and legs back and forth as though he were imagining himself running in the endless sky above him. As it turns out, the cat had drank a quart of motor oil and would probably die with in an hour, but at the moment that cat was pretty damn cute.