Dream

I keep having a reoccuring dream, where I get in a car wreck, but the car wreck is really fun. Like, I flip unside down, and the car slides around like a carnival ride. I wake up saying, "Well, nothing is going to top that!" The dream usually makes the rest of my day pretty lame. Sometimes, while I'm driving, I think maybe I should try getting into a weck, just to see if it would be as fun as it was in my dream. Of course, I realize that dreams are quite different from real life. I mean when is the last time you had a wet dream while awake? Come to think about it, when is the last time anyone had a wet dream at all? Arn't those like urban legends to scare adolecent boys into not going camping with their friends? If I ever saw someone have a wet dream I thought it would be fun to wait right up till the ending, and then just start beating the crap out of them.

Advice

A wise man once told me that, "I like to put a little toilet paper in the commode, so the water dosen't splash my butt." This is a picture of that man:

Better Kisser

The article, which originally appeared in Happen magazine (http://www.happenmag.com/), collects the opinions of 7 men, who give tips on how women can become better kissers. Fortunately for you, you won't have to go through the agony of reading the article, because I can some it up for you.

Steve says, Take Charge-and Timothy says Get your hands in on the action. Unfortunately, these men are both writers for a living and have not yet actually kissed a woman. What about you told me you haven't been kissed, oh yes, your name is Timothy. Maybe if you weren’t named after a tooth, women would find you attractive.

Sam, a cameraman, says Lean to the Right. But Sam, what if they are left handed? Do you not like disabled people, like left handed people?

Jon says-Close Your Eyes. But that is because Jon is blind. Watch out Jon, Sam told me he didn't like your type.

Chandler, a 34 year old club promoter says-Chuck the Gum. Although if you are a women, who is kissing a guy named Chandler and he is a 34 year club promoter, you should probably chuck the douchbag. Tell me Chandler, when did you decide to adopt that name? Was in 1994, or 1995? I can't remember when Friends became popular, but I bet your old name was Timothy.

Chris says-Pause before you Pucker. But he is stopping to readjust his pants.

John says-No Brushstrokes. I didn't understand what he meant by this at first. He is referring to women robotically rotating her tongue across your lips. I would suggest that John quit making out with his dog.

Doublemint Twins

My twin and I deserve a Doublemint commercial.
Lets examine the issue more closly.



To the left is a picture of Nichole and Natalie Garza. Pretty good looking, right? Well, shift your peepers to the left and you will find the Renfro twins. I believe I've made my point.

Bumming a Smoke From an Underage Girl: An Embarrassingly True Story

This weekend I had a little run in with a girl. She was sitting outside an apartment, when my friend and I approached. I was a bit intoxicated, so I don't remember if she was attractive, but I assume she was, and for the sake of the story, lets just say she was super hot (it makes me feel better about the situation).
Anyway, I found out she was in high school. High School is a bit too old for my likes, but I figured I'd give a shot anyway. When I asked her for a smoke, she did one of those moves, where you're trying to be hot by taking out a cigarette putting it in her mouth, lighting it, taking a puff and then handing it to me. Actually, when I think about it, that move is pretty hot. (To be brutally honest, I live a small life with very little happiness, so yes, moves like those are pretty hot)
Anyway, we got to talking. You know, just giving the old back and forth question exchanging. In the back of my mind I hoped all those questions would lead to the real back and forth, if you know what I'm saying.
Then she asked, "So do you go here?" (referring to college)
"The truth is not a good answer," I thought to myself. (No, I don't go here because I graduated, which means I'm way too old for you. Oh, by the way I don't have a job and live with my parents)
I walked away to a bit and acted like I didn't hear her, in hopes she would think of another question to ask. Next, my friend walked outside and offered the girl a beer, but her sister came outside and told her to come in. I'm guessing she didn't want her talking to me, but maybe she needed help cleaning up a diarrhea mess.
So, she walked out of my life forever. I guess I'll have to find some other way to get arrested.

Perez Hilton

I would like to take this opportunity to express my dislike of fellow blogger Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr., better known as Perez Hilton of Perezhilton.com Why does he have millions of readers a day, and only one (including myself)? Do people honestly think he is funny? Lets take at some of his work:

Bromance! That is hilarious. Its like two guys in a romance. I mean, that must have taken 5, maybe 6 seconds to think of. Oh, you didn't actually think of it yourself? You stole it from an episode of Will and Grace? But, I mean you're so cool and orginal. You're an exentric gay man, who makes bad jokes about celebrites. You can't see that on cable television 24 hours a day. Wait, you mean I can make jokes that are just as funny. Well, I'll give it a shot.

That was pretty good, right? Did I think of it by myself? Well, no. I kinda borrowed it from Dain Cook, but no one has ever heard his material.

Perez Hilton, you are not funny or interesting. I feel bad for saying that, so lets end this blog entry with something nice to look at:

The Land Before Time

The original 1988 Land Before Time is the greatest movie about dinosaurs ever, except for maybe Grumpier Old Men. As you probably already know, the film was produced by one of Steven Spilburg's 2000 film companies. In all honesty, I'm not sure which one.

Speilburg was also responsible for Jurassic Park, which lets face it, wasn't that good. First off, the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park weren’t animated. Secondly, I wanted to see a sex since between Jeff Goldbloom and a Triceratops, but only if the Triceratops was Jewish.

What I dislike about the Land Before Time Series is the part where they made it a series. There are 14 of those motherfuckers. 14!!! The first film made 84 Million dollars. The last one made $16.43 and a mint from Chickfila. Why are there so many of them? What are the names of them now? The Land Before Time: Cerra gets her period, or The Land Before Time: Littlefoot realizes that its not just his foot that is little. The movie title I would like to see is, The Land Before Time, the Dinosaurs go extinct and we use them as oil.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_land_before_time

http://imdb.com/title/tt0095489/

http://www.landbeforetime.com/main.html