What to expect when you are expecting?....Well you can expect to get fat and have a baby come out of your vagina.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
New Opener
Today, I came up with a good opening for my Stand-up comedy act.
My old opener: Hey my name is Trevor, which is strange because people say,
"You don't look like a Trevor.......(pause for punchline)....you look like a faggot(punchline).
My new opener: So I live in Tennessee. Original I'm from....(pause for punchline)....my mother's vagina (punchline). I don't ever go back to visit, but my father says it's beautiful this time of year.
My old opener: Hey my name is Trevor, which is strange because people say,
"You don't look like a Trevor.......(pause for punchline)....you look like a faggot(punchline).
My new opener: So I live in Tennessee. Original I'm from....(pause for punchline)....my mother's vagina (punchline). I don't ever go back to visit, but my father says it's beautiful this time of year.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
My day at work
Today at work, I was talking with a coworker. I don't remember what we were talking about, but it was probably about acne, or the Cher farewell tour. During the middle of the conversation, my coworker remembered he was supposed to attend a meeting, starting in just a few minutes.
"Oh f*ck me in the *ss" he yelled.
"Well, you could at least buy me a drink first" I said.
Then he left for his meeting.
Later I was talking with another coworker, when she mentioned that she had gone to the Kentucky Derby this weekend.
"Cool. Did you see that girl-horse die?" I asked.
Then she left for a meeting.
"Oh f*ck me in the *ss" he yelled.
"Well, you could at least buy me a drink first" I said.
Then he left for his meeting.
Later I was talking with another coworker, when she mentioned that she had gone to the Kentucky Derby this weekend.
"Cool. Did you see that girl-horse die?" I asked.
Then she left for a meeting.
Friday, May 2, 2008
A Sad Event
A sad event happened my freshmen year in high school.
You might be thinking that I won a Magic the Gathering tournament, or went to a Christan Rock concert that day, but you would be wrong.
Actually, what happened was a deaf kid in one of my classes leaned over to pick up his notebook and blasted the loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. Seriously, the fart was so loud, I didn't even know it was a fart!
He of course didn't even know he had farted loud. I'm not even sure if he knew farts made noise. The entire class started laughing. Even the kid's interpreter laughed at him. He just sat in his chair, writing in his notebook, oblivious to what was going on around him.
Sometimes I think back on that event, and wished I hadn't laughed.
Of course, then I start laughing.
Maybe one day, "I'll grow up."
You might be thinking that I won a Magic the Gathering tournament, or went to a Christan Rock concert that day, but you would be wrong.
Actually, what happened was a deaf kid in one of my classes leaned over to pick up his notebook and blasted the loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. Seriously, the fart was so loud, I didn't even know it was a fart!
He of course didn't even know he had farted loud. I'm not even sure if he knew farts made noise. The entire class started laughing. Even the kid's interpreter laughed at him. He just sat in his chair, writing in his notebook, oblivious to what was going on around him.
Sometimes I think back on that event, and wished I hadn't laughed.
Of course, then I start laughing.
Maybe one day, "I'll grow up."
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Time I Went to a Comedy Workshop
I once attended a comedy writing workshop in my home town. However, a majority of the residents in my home town are considered elderly. I was not at all surprised to see that the comedy workshop, which consisted for six people, was filled with old people. Even the lady teaching the workshop was old.
During one of the exercises, the teacher gave us the beggining of a sentence and we were supposed to finish the sentence with a humors saying. The idea was that we were not supposed to think long and hard about how to make the sentence funny, but to write down the first clever thought that popped into our brain.
Our first sentence was:
In ten years I want to
I responded with:
Adopt a kid from China, so I don’t have to pay for karate lessons.
No one laughed.
The second sentence was:
Two heads are better than one.
I responded:
Unless you’re a porn star.
Once again no one laughed.
Then I was asked to leave.
During one of the exercises, the teacher gave us the beggining of a sentence and we were supposed to finish the sentence with a humors saying. The idea was that we were not supposed to think long and hard about how to make the sentence funny, but to write down the first clever thought that popped into our brain.
Our first sentence was:
In ten years I want to
I responded with:
Adopt a kid from China, so I don’t have to pay for karate lessons.
No one laughed.
The second sentence was:
Two heads are better than one.
I responded:
Unless you’re a porn star.
Once again no one laughed.
Then I was asked to leave.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Famous Quotes in Cinima
Those who know me know that I’m a big movie fan. If you don’t know me, then I guessed you just learned an interesting fact about me. (Perhaps the most interesting fact about myself)
Anyway, I like movies so much that I often find myself quoting random films. (What do you mean I’m not the only person alive that does this?)
Of all the movies to quote, my favorite is Kindergarten Cop, staring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“Boy’s have a penis, girls have a vagina.” Joseph (Miko Hughes, Surf School)
Never in the history of cinema has a better line of dialogue been uttered. In fact, I would say that there is at least fifteen times a day, I would like quote this line.
Take for example if someone one were to ask me about what I did at work, like oh say, my imaginarily girlfriend.
“What did you do at work today?”
“I had a meeting with my coworkers.”
“What was it about?”
At this point, I could quote the famous line from Gone with the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Or
I could say, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”
Another example is if I were dropping my imaginary girlfriend off at the airport, so she could fly to Mexico to visit her family for two weeks. She would turn and look into my eyes, as her eyes began to fill with tears.
I could quote a line from Casablanca, “Here’s looking at you kid.”
Or
I could say, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”
I don’t always quote word for word. Sometimes I say,
“Boys have a wenis, girls have a vajayjay.”
Still, sometimes I like to add to the quote by saying phrases like,
“Well if you must know, boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.”
Once I got so excited to quote the Kindergarten Cop line, that I accidentally said,
"Boys have a vagina, girls have a penis.”
Boy was my face red!
Anyway, I like movies so much that I often find myself quoting random films. (What do you mean I’m not the only person alive that does this?)
Of all the movies to quote, my favorite is Kindergarten Cop, staring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“Boy’s have a penis, girls have a vagina.” Joseph (Miko Hughes, Surf School)
Never in the history of cinema has a better line of dialogue been uttered. In fact, I would say that there is at least fifteen times a day, I would like quote this line.
Take for example if someone one were to ask me about what I did at work, like oh say, my imaginarily girlfriend.
“What did you do at work today?”
“I had a meeting with my coworkers.”
“What was it about?”
At this point, I could quote the famous line from Gone with the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Or
I could say, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”
Another example is if I were dropping my imaginary girlfriend off at the airport, so she could fly to Mexico to visit her family for two weeks. She would turn and look into my eyes, as her eyes began to fill with tears.
I could quote a line from Casablanca, “Here’s looking at you kid.”
Or
I could say, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”
I don’t always quote word for word. Sometimes I say,
“Boys have a wenis, girls have a vajayjay.”
Still, sometimes I like to add to the quote by saying phrases like,
“Well if you must know, boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.”
Once I got so excited to quote the Kindergarten Cop line, that I accidentally said,
"Boys have a vagina, girls have a penis.”
Boy was my face red!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Contest
Congratulations!!! If you are reading this blog entry, then you are the winner of the Win a date with Trevor contest. To claim your prize e-mail t_ig2@hotmail.com with your times available and your favorite Red Lobster menu item.
(All winners must be of 18 years of age or older. Winners should also be hot girls with low self esteem. The contest never expirers and is valid with other contests, including but not limited to: Win a butt slap from Trevor contest, Win a night of awkward small talk with Trevor contest, and Win a hair smelling from Trevor. Not for resale)
(All winners must be of 18 years of age or older. Winners should also be hot girls with low self esteem. The contest never expirers and is valid with other contests, including but not limited to: Win a butt slap from Trevor contest, Win a night of awkward small talk with Trevor contest, and Win a hair smelling from Trevor. Not for resale)
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