Pregnacy advice

What to expect when you are expecting?....Well you can expect to get fat and have a baby come out of your vagina.

New Opener

Today, I came up with a good opening for my Stand-up comedy act.

My old opener: Hey my name is Trevor, which is strange because people say,
"You don't look like a Trevor.......(pause for punchline)....you look like a faggot(punchline).

My new opener: So I live in Tennessee. Original I'm from....(pause for punchline)....my mother's vagina (punchline). I don't ever go back to visit, but my father says it's beautiful this time of year.

My day at work

Today at work, I was talking with a coworker. I don't remember what we were talking about, but it was probably about acne, or the Cher farewell tour. During the middle of the conversation, my coworker remembered he was supposed to attend a meeting, starting in just a few minutes.
"Oh f*ck me in the *ss" he yelled.

"Well, you could at least buy me a drink first" I said.

Then he left for his meeting.

Later I was talking with another coworker, when she mentioned that she had gone to the Kentucky Derby this weekend.

"Cool. Did you see that girl-horse die?" I asked.

Then she left for a meeting.

A Sad Event

A sad event happened my freshmen year in high school.
You might be thinking that I won a Magic the Gathering tournament, or went to a Christan Rock concert that day, but you would be wrong.
Actually, what happened was a deaf kid in one of my classes leaned over to pick up his notebook and blasted the loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. Seriously, the fart was so loud, I didn't even know it was a fart!
He of course didn't even know he had farted loud. I'm not even sure if he knew farts made noise. The entire class started laughing. Even the kid's interpreter laughed at him. He just sat in his chair, writing in his notebook, oblivious to what was going on around him.
Sometimes I think back on that event, and wished I hadn't laughed.
Of course, then I start laughing.
Maybe one day, "I'll grow up."