Technology is the Future

I once saw this art film (soft-core porn) where a scientist (soft-core porn actor with glasses and a lab coat) built a sex robot (hot chick with boob job). It was the greatest movie ever made! I liked it so much, I decided I would build my own sex robot. However, I quickly discovered that I know nothing about science or electronics. Instead of researching robotics or reading about artificial intelligence, I just decided to have sex with a microwave. My conclusions: Machines do not make for good lovers.

Oscar Sunday

Oscar Sunday sounds like the name of a mentally challenged man in his mid-thirties, who actively volunteers for his local high school football team, by cleaning and storing their equipment and regularly motivation the players. There is a similar man, who goes by the name or Radio. Really? Radio? Could you possible make him sound more homeless? A name like Oscar Sunday makes him sound disguised, as well as loveable.

Ah, but yes, today is Oscar Sunday. The academy of motion pictures will crown the years greatest achievements, and those watching could not be more bored. Face it, I love movies just as much as the next person, but the Oscars are dull as hell to watch. Sure, I will watch them, mostly because John Stewart is a funny guy and I think Ellen Page is a bangin' hottie. (Also, I'm pretty sure if Ellen Page weren’t famous, she would maybe almost go on a date with me)

That being said, here are my picks for Oscar Winners:

Best Picture-There Will Be Blood--or should I say, 'There will be Oscar' If you haven't seen this movie, then you should go watch it, or there will be blood on your face when I punch you.

Best Actor-Daniel Day Lewis --At the end of There will be Blood, Daniel Day Lewis says, "Okay, I'm finished...with not winning best actor."

Best Actress-Ellen Page--I haven't seen any of the other nominees' movies.

Best Supporting Actor-Javier Bardem--He scared the crap out of me in No County for Old Men. Actually, his hair cut scared the crap out of me, but his acting was good to. I wanted his character to die in the movie, but no such luck. (I would also like to say that Philip Seymour Hoffman did an amazing job in Charlie Wilson's War.)

Best Supporting Actress-Ruby Dee--In addition to having the coolest name ever, I enjoyed her very much in American Gangster. Plus, she's old, and old people deserve awards.

Best Director-P.T. Anderson--He does the work of two Cohen brothers combined.

Best Screenplay written for screen-Juno--I almost went with Ratatouille because it's difficult to make rats likeable, but it's even more difficult to make pregnant girls likable. (Yes, I like rats more than I like pregnant people)

Best Screenplay based of previous material-No Country for Old Men--The Cohen brothers considered changing the name to: No way you will understand this movie, especially if you are an old man.

Best Editing-Into the Wild--You get to see Emile Hirsch's penis. It's from a distance, and he's in cold water, but still pretty cool. For that reason alone, this movie deserves an award.

As for the rest of the categories, I don't care. I think Norbit should win for best make up, and 3:10 to Yuma should win for sound and music. I don't have a reason for why those movies should win, but I also don't have a reason for calling a grown man, Radio.

Celebrity Hookups

In the past I've noticed that being a celebrity has its benefits. For instance David Spade would probably not be able to date Play Boy and Maxim models had he not made some film masterpieces as The Benchwarmers and Joe Dirt. Also, dating a celebrity brings you into a world of power and money. Why work your whole life, when you can just date a famous person? Sience I don't have anything better to do, I've decided I would like to date a celebrity. These are the top five celebrites I'm pretty sure I could hook up with:
1) The fat chick from Hairspray. Lets face it, she's not exactly going to hook up with co-star Zack Efron. Don't get me wrong, she would be really pretty if she lost a metric ton, but there isn't enough slim fast in the world. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she would date me. Also, I would love to motor boat those big ol' boobies, if they didn't beat me to death.

2)Rue McClanahan--She has been playing an old horny woman on t.v. for fifteen years, but chances are she wasn't acting. This old timer has got a flamin' red bush that is wild and unkeep (just the way I like it) There is only one way to put out that fire, and that's a golden shower for this golden girl.



3) Holly Hunter--I'm pretty sure Holly Hunter wouldn't actually hook up with me. I just thought she might be self concious because of the way she talks.

4) Just Shoot Me's Laura San Giacomo--Or as most guys call her, the Italian girl who you can't decide is hot or ugly. (All guys know what I'm talking about)



5)Betty Boop--The girl is a slut. Rumor has it she once went down on Yosemite Sam, while Elmer Fudd beat off to it.