An Anorexic's Food Diary

Now that I've started my own food diary, I wanted to see what an anorexic's food diary would look like. Here is an example of one below:

OMG...I am so fucking fat!!!

For breakfast I ate a fart.
I was going to skip lunch, but I was tooo hungry, so I ate my usual 6 lightly salted Q-tips.
At dinner time I chewed my nails and nibbled on some popcorn seeds.
Of course I had my nightly Dulcolax stool softner, so I was able to treat myself to another fart.

Food Diary

Due to my recent food poisionings, my doctor suggested that I begin keeping a food diary. A food diary is a list of all the foods a person eats in a day.
Below is day 1.

Day 1

Breakfast:

1 sweet potato, chicken skin, and half a bottle of Tylenol. Nothing to drink.

Lunch:

1 apple core, 3 Ice cream cones with honey mustard on the side. 7.5 beers to drink.

Dinner:

8 slices of Wonder Bread and 1 small can of viany sausages marinated in a mixture of cinnamon, chili powder, and grape jelly. Vodka mixed with Mountain Dew to drink (quantity of drink unknown)

Cats the Musical

There is a cat that lives outside my building that can only be described as, "loud as a motherfucker." Nearly everyday this cat will make a noise similar to a crying baby.

Why would a cat make this noise? Well, the cat has either been in some type of horrific accident that has left it's paw in a mangled stub that is unable to heal do to the fact the cat must walk on the paw, or more than likely the cat is masturbating.

Oh, cats don't masturbate? Then what's the tail for genius?

One day while my friend was visiting, we heard the cat shrieking outside.
My friend said, "Is that a baby? Maybe we should help!"
"No, that's a cat," I said.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"Umm, I'm twenty five years old. I think I know the difference between a baby and a masturbating cat," I said.

I've tried to catch this cat in the act many times. However, this cat must have a really good hiding place. Much to my shock and embarrassment the cat once caught me masturbating. I didn't even see her peeking through the window, until it was too late.
"Touche cat......, touche," I said.

Adjectives

In my home town there is a certain subculture of girls who speak using only three adjectives. These adjectives are amazing, retarded, and gay.

Surprisingly one of these three words can be used to describe literally very single noun or verb in the english language, except for something that is actually amazing, retarded, or gay.

It's also a safe bet to assume that if something is actually amazing, it will be considered as gay or retarded, while something that is considered low-brow will be considered amazing.

For example NPR, The Bicycle Theives, and all of Yo-Yo Ma's collective works are, "gay as hell."
The new season of The Hills, or Kanye West's new haircut are, "soooo amazing."

Most often the adjectives are used in text messages or facebook status updates.
For your reading pleasure, I've included some true examples pulled from facebook.

OMG!!! New Moon was amazing!!!! It blew my mind!!!

Just got back from my date...Saw 6 was gay, but at least I got to spend time with my baby.

You ever fall asleep with your sox on and you wake up with one missing....retarded!!


amazing=good
retarded=stupid
* gay=lame/stupid

* Gay can sometimes be interchangeable with retarded, but never vice versa.

Living in China

We Americans describe the word diarrhea as:(di·ar·rhe·a) Excessive and frequent evacuation of watery feces, usually indicating gastrointestinal distress or disorder.
However, if you ask a Chinese person about diarrhea, they would would respond with,"What is diarrhea?"

You see the Chinese have no such word, because every bowel movement they've ever had hasbeen diarrhea.

As far as the Chinese are concerned, there is no such thing as a piece of solid fecal matter. If they were to ever pass a solid piece of poop they would probably think they were sick. No doubt they would rush to their local hospital where they would be tested for every medical condition fromhigh blood pressure, to the HIV virus. Rumor has it that a man from Taian once had a case of solid fecal matter so severe that he had to fly to Beijing for a CAT scan. Once in Beijing, the man was held for nearly a month for medical research.

Diarrhea is just as much a part of Chinese culture as chopsticks, or wearing the same pairof clothes everyday.

Though we Americans find the symptoms of extreme cramping and excessive pain associated with diarrhea to be uncomfortable, the Chinese actually find it to be a rewarding experience. They don't just like to have diarreah; they love to have diarrhea. Sometimes, having diarrhea is the best part of their day. When a Chinese person wakes up in the morning they say,
"What a beautiful day! The only way to make this day more beautiful would be to doo-doo on myself."

There are only a few causes for diarrhea in the U.S., which include food poisoning, dehydration, and watching Varsity Blues. Causes for diarrhea in China include literally everything. You don't even have to ingest food or liquid to get diarrhea. Taking a walk can cause diarrhea. Playing cards can cause diarrhea. Having an IV put in can cause diarrha. Even having diarrhea can cause more diarrhea.

The Surgeon General's warning on a pack of American cigarettes will warn of the dangerous of cancer and damage to unborn babies. On a pack of Chinese cigarettes, you will find a disclaimer from the cigarette manufacturer that reads,
"Smoking cigarettes will cause anal leakage. The makers of this product and their subsidiary companies bareno responsibility for the staining of any underpants. Please enjoy with caution."

On a personal note, I believe the Chinese take great pride in their diarrhea, or at least should. The diarrhea here has got to be the most foul and disgusting substance ever excreted from a human body, ever.Each sloppy mass is more horrifying to look at than then next. Just the thought is enough to make me vomit. I would rather watch a bullet go through a person's eye than look at some of the diarrhea here. My hope is that the the witnessing of these horrific viewings will not haunt me in my dreams for years to come. Here's to you China, and your diarrhea.

Super Cute

Today I saw a cat chase his tail. He ran in circles and pawed madly at the sand colored apendage that was never within reach. Then the cat rolled onto his back and flapped his arms and legs back and forth as though he were imagining himself running in the endless sky above him. As it turns out, the cat had drank a quart of motor oil and would probably die with in an hour, but at the moment that cat was pretty damn cute.

Pregnacy advice

What to expect when you are expecting?....Well you can expect to get fat and have a baby come out of your vagina.