I took a trip to Hollywood Video earlier this week. Not sure what to rent, I decided to walk the store, until I found a film that jumped out at me. Here were my thoughts:
"Huh, Evan Almighty is out on DVD that looks like a movie I don't want to watch."
"Maybe I could rent Wild Hogs, or I could just save my money and jab a pencil in my eye."
"If I could rent any type of movie, what would it be? Oh, yes...porno."
The problem was, I wasn't sure if Hollywood Video rented porno. I looked around for an adult’s only section, but couldn't find one. I went into a back room in the back, but it turns out, it was just an employee’s only room.
"You aren’t allowed back here," a fat ass worker barked.
"I didn't want to come back here anyway," I said. (I guess I showed him)
After I exited the back room I noticed a section called, Special Interest.
"Porno is a special interest," I thought. I decided to check it out. Unfortunately, all I found was Anima and Michael Moore documentaries. Anima is sometimes pornographic, but I don't masturbate to cartoons. (Except for that girl from Who framed Roger Rabbit, and occasionally the cartoon fox from Robin Hood. What? For a cartoon fox, she is pretty hot.)
Continuing for my quest from porn, I checked the foreign films section, for a French sex movie. Unfortunately, I couldn't read any of the words on the boxes. I found one movie that like it would have a lot of sex and nudity in it, but I'm pretty sure it was an all guy cast.
At this point, I was beginning to give up. I decided to find the closest thing I could find to porno the store had, a drama that is rated NC-17. While looking through found a movie with a former Maximum model, which plays a detective. It was rated R for strong sexual scenes. I almost rented it, but decided I could do better. Next, I found Show Girls, rated NC-17 for nudity. Unfortunately, it stars Jessie from, Saved by the Bell. I've never thought she was hot. I honestly think I'd rather see Screech naked. (Of course, I have seen Screech naked in his sex video...and it is foul. I mean, just truly foul.)
Anyway, just as I was ready to give up, I found Hidden Beauties: The Awakening, an un-rated film. The back of the box read, "When Judy Isherwood and her Brother Eddie discover three beautiful women locked in an ancient slumber-hidden deep in the dungeon of their newly inherited English castle, they wake each beauty with a kiss. As the spell is broken, they soon find that they have also awakened a century of pent-up passion!"
That's right folks, this was grade-A, late 90s soft core porn!
As I was getting ready to pick up the box, a couple walked by and stood beside me. I didn't want to pick up the movie while they were next to me, so I pretended to look at random movies, while they had a conversation about some guy, the man worked with.
"What they hell are these people doing, standing beside me and talking? Can't they just pick up their damn movie?" I thought.
After a couple of minutes, I moved to the Television section. As soon as I left, they picked up their movie and went to pay. Why they couldn't do that when I was standing there, I don't know. Unless they were renting soft-core porn. While I was in the Television section, I picked up a copy of the first season of Extras. This way, I wouldn't just be renting porno. Plus, maybe if the cashier saw the copy of Extras, they would think I was an intellectual, who appreciated different forms of entertainment, and not just a pervert.
When I went back to snag Hidden Beauties, I noticed their were two copies. I grabbed the second one because the picture was smaller on the box, so maybe less people in the store would notice it. The box also said edition on it. I couldn't see the word before edition because of the Hollywood Video sticker on it. I assumed it said Collector's Edition.
(As a side note, whenever you touch one of these boxes, be sure to wash your hands. You know what people have been doing when they watch these kinds of movies)
When I went to the cashier, I noticed there was a stacked girl working the cash register. You have two options at this point. Put the Hidden Beauties DVD underneath the Extras DVD, which says, "I am a scared pervert, please don't tell anyone I'm renting this."-or-You can put the porno on the top and say, "Yeah, I'm watching this, you wanna join me?"
I decided to go with option one, and put the porno on top. Unfortunately, after I did this, the fat guy from the back room came up front and told me he could ring up my order. He took a double take when he saw the cover. I'm guessing he was wishing he was taking the DVD home.
Once I got outside I looked at the side of the box and noticed that this was not a Collector's Edition, but a Limited Edition. Limited Edition? What did this mean? Did it mean there was only a limited number made? This couldn't be, there were two copies just in Hollywood Video. Limited Edition must have meant that this copy had limited content. I didn't want this. I thought about going back in the store and exchanging it for the other copy, but decided that would just be embarrassing. I hung my head and went home.
Don't be disappointed readers, once I got home, I found that the DVD doesn’t have any content missing. It is full of soft-core fun. That’s right, Soft-core porn-all the sex of hard core porn, minus the penetration.
"Huh, Evan Almighty is out on DVD that looks like a movie I don't want to watch."
"Maybe I could rent Wild Hogs, or I could just save my money and jab a pencil in my eye."
"If I could rent any type of movie, what would it be? Oh, yes...porno."
The problem was, I wasn't sure if Hollywood Video rented porno. I looked around for an adult’s only section, but couldn't find one. I went into a back room in the back, but it turns out, it was just an employee’s only room.
"You aren’t allowed back here," a fat ass worker barked.
"I didn't want to come back here anyway," I said. (I guess I showed him)
After I exited the back room I noticed a section called, Special Interest.
"Porno is a special interest," I thought. I decided to check it out. Unfortunately, all I found was Anima and Michael Moore documentaries. Anima is sometimes pornographic, but I don't masturbate to cartoons. (Except for that girl from Who framed Roger Rabbit, and occasionally the cartoon fox from Robin Hood. What? For a cartoon fox, she is pretty hot.)
Continuing for my quest from porn, I checked the foreign films section, for a French sex movie. Unfortunately, I couldn't read any of the words on the boxes. I found one movie that like it would have a lot of sex and nudity in it, but I'm pretty sure it was an all guy cast.
At this point, I was beginning to give up. I decided to find the closest thing I could find to porno the store had, a drama that is rated NC-17. While looking through found a movie with a former Maximum model, which plays a detective. It was rated R for strong sexual scenes. I almost rented it, but decided I could do better. Next, I found Show Girls, rated NC-17 for nudity. Unfortunately, it stars Jessie from, Saved by the Bell. I've never thought she was hot. I honestly think I'd rather see Screech naked. (Of course, I have seen Screech naked in his sex video...and it is foul. I mean, just truly foul.)
Anyway, just as I was ready to give up, I found Hidden Beauties: The Awakening, an un-rated film. The back of the box read, "When Judy Isherwood and her Brother Eddie discover three beautiful women locked in an ancient slumber-hidden deep in the dungeon of their newly inherited English castle, they wake each beauty with a kiss. As the spell is broken, they soon find that they have also awakened a century of pent-up passion!"
That's right folks, this was grade-A, late 90s soft core porn!
As I was getting ready to pick up the box, a couple walked by and stood beside me. I didn't want to pick up the movie while they were next to me, so I pretended to look at random movies, while they had a conversation about some guy, the man worked with.
"What they hell are these people doing, standing beside me and talking? Can't they just pick up their damn movie?" I thought.
After a couple of minutes, I moved to the Television section. As soon as I left, they picked up their movie and went to pay. Why they couldn't do that when I was standing there, I don't know. Unless they were renting soft-core porn. While I was in the Television section, I picked up a copy of the first season of Extras. This way, I wouldn't just be renting porno. Plus, maybe if the cashier saw the copy of Extras, they would think I was an intellectual, who appreciated different forms of entertainment, and not just a pervert.
When I went back to snag Hidden Beauties, I noticed their were two copies. I grabbed the second one because the picture was smaller on the box, so maybe less people in the store would notice it. The box also said edition on it. I couldn't see the word before edition because of the Hollywood Video sticker on it. I assumed it said Collector's Edition.
(As a side note, whenever you touch one of these boxes, be sure to wash your hands. You know what people have been doing when they watch these kinds of movies)
When I went to the cashier, I noticed there was a stacked girl working the cash register. You have two options at this point. Put the Hidden Beauties DVD underneath the Extras DVD, which says, "I am a scared pervert, please don't tell anyone I'm renting this."-or-You can put the porno on the top and say, "Yeah, I'm watching this, you wanna join me?"
I decided to go with option one, and put the porno on top. Unfortunately, after I did this, the fat guy from the back room came up front and told me he could ring up my order. He took a double take when he saw the cover. I'm guessing he was wishing he was taking the DVD home.
Once I got outside I looked at the side of the box and noticed that this was not a Collector's Edition, but a Limited Edition. Limited Edition? What did this mean? Did it mean there was only a limited number made? This couldn't be, there were two copies just in Hollywood Video. Limited Edition must have meant that this copy had limited content. I didn't want this. I thought about going back in the store and exchanging it for the other copy, but decided that would just be embarrassing. I hung my head and went home.
Don't be disappointed readers, once I got home, I found that the DVD doesn’t have any content missing. It is full of soft-core fun. That’s right, Soft-core porn-all the sex of hard core porn, minus the penetration.
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