And that's my cue:

During this past week, there has been a backlash aginst John Fitzgerld Page for the comments he sent a women on the dating site match.com. It seems as though every blogger in the country has made a comment about this gentlemen, and sience I am a blogger; I am no exception.

For those of you who don't know the story, John recieved a message from a women known as Jen, saying something to the effect that she was interested in him based on his profile. John then sent the women a series of questions he uses to weed out women he is not interested in dating. Here is that message,

I live in a 31 story high rise condominium, right in the middle of the Buckhead nightlife district. Do you ever come to this area of town to shop/go out/visit/explore?
I went to an Ivy League school - the University of Pennsylvania - for my undergraduate degree in economics and my graduate degree in management (Wharton School of Business). Where did you go to school?
What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds - what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact...
I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for Limited Brands (Bath & Body Works, Victoria's Secret, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?
Do you have any other recent pictures you care to share? I have many others if you care to see them.
Regards,
John

Ok, so the guy thinks alot of himself. But, he did appologize if he sounded rude. No harm, no foul. After all, he just wants to make sure he is not being deceived. However, the the women then sent him an automatic responce provided by match.com that says,

" Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search! Our Portraits didn't match on: A. Personality"

At this point John decides to become a cry baby bitch and write,

I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!
So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!
Regards,
John

And that's my cue:
John, I know you've heard this a million times but you are a bag of douche. You work out at LA Fitness? Are you sure it’s not L gay fitness? By the way masturbating in the locker room doesn't count as working out. Oh, I'm a crybaby bitch. She hit on me first! Ah, boo hoo. Yeah, and I'm guessing she was drunk when she did it. I'm a real catch. Yeah, that’s why you need a website to get a girl friend. You live in the heart of the night life my man. Why can't you find a girl there? Also, how do you hit on someone on match.com? I don't understand how someone can hit on you on the internet. One time an old guy sent me a picture of his dick on line, but then again, I did ask for him to send it. What was that guys name again? Oh yeah, it was John Fitzgerld Page.
8.9 on hotornot.com. What are you in seventh grade? How can any self respecting adult put a picture of themselves on hotornot.com? I can't think of any other group of people that has as many tools as hotornot.com...oh wait, Mensia. I drive a beemer.
Yeah, 1997 called, they want their lingo back. 14 motion pictures! Which movie, Loser, or 40-year old virgin? You meant to say you were a glorified extra in some independent films shot in Atlanta. How ever did you accomplish that feat? Look out Mark Wahelberg, John may steal your role in the Brazilin Job, or more likely John will give you a hand job in Brazil. I noticed you played the role of Lovestruck doofus in Beauty Shop. I'm guessing that wasn't much of a stretch for you. You were also in Diary of a Mad Black Women. Siskel and Ropert gave that two thumbs down, mostly because you were in it.
Its cool that you are a model. Unfortunately, you look like Will Ferell had sex with a retarded Ben Affleck. I will give you one free training session. One free training session-What are you Asian? I will give you one free fourtune cookie.
John refuses to apologize for the message he sent to this women, but sometimes you just have to admit you were in the wrong. So, for all homosexuals, film extras, the mentally handicaped, hotornot.com members and staff, Mensia members, BMW owners, Tyler Perry, Will Ferell, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahelberg, Siskel and Ropert, people of Asian ethnicities, and John Fitzgerld Page, I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.

A Trip to Hollywood Video: An Embarrassingly True Story.

I took a trip to Hollywood Video earlier this week. Not sure what to rent, I decided to walk the store, until I found a film that jumped out at me. Here were my thoughts:
"Huh, Evan Almighty is out on DVD that looks like a movie I don't want to watch."
"Maybe I could rent Wild Hogs, or I could just save my money and jab a pencil in my eye."
"If I could rent any type of movie, what would it be? Oh, yes...porno."

The problem was, I wasn't sure if Hollywood Video rented porno. I looked around for an adult’s only section, but couldn't find one. I went into a back room in the back, but it turns out, it was just an employee’s only room.
"You aren’t allowed back here," a fat ass worker barked.
"I didn't want to come back here anyway," I said. (I guess I showed him)

After I exited the back room I noticed a section called, Special Interest.

"Porno is a special interest," I thought. I decided to check it out. Unfortunately, all I found was Anima and Michael Moore documentaries. Anima is sometimes pornographic, but I don't masturbate to cartoons. (Except for that girl from Who framed Roger Rabbit, and occasionally the cartoon fox from Robin Hood. What? For a cartoon fox, she is pretty hot.)

Continuing for my quest from porn, I checked the foreign films section, for a French sex movie. Unfortunately, I couldn't read any of the words on the boxes. I found one movie that like it would have a lot of sex and nudity in it, but I'm pretty sure it was an all guy cast.

At this point, I was beginning to give up. I decided to find the closest thing I could find to porno the store had, a drama that is rated NC-17. While looking through found a movie with a former Maximum model, which plays a detective. It was rated R for strong sexual scenes. I almost rented it, but decided I could do better. Next, I found Show Girls, rated NC-17 for nudity. Unfortunately, it stars Jessie from, Saved by the Bell. I've never thought she was hot. I honestly think I'd rather see Screech naked. (Of course, I have seen Screech naked in his sex video...and it is foul. I mean, just truly foul.)

Anyway, just as I was ready to give up, I found Hidden Beauties: The Awakening, an un-rated film. The back of the box read, "When Judy Isherwood and her Brother Eddie discover three beautiful women locked in an ancient slumber-hidden deep in the dungeon of their newly inherited English castle, they wake each beauty with a kiss. As the spell is broken, they soon find that they have also awakened a century of pent-up passion!"

That's right folks, this was grade-A, late 90s soft core porn!

As I was getting ready to pick up the box, a couple walked by and stood beside me. I didn't want to pick up the movie while they were next to me, so I pretended to look at random movies, while they had a conversation about some guy, the man worked with.

"What they hell are these people doing, standing beside me and talking? Can't they just pick up their damn movie?" I thought.

After a couple of minutes, I moved to the Television section. As soon as I left, they picked up their movie and went to pay. Why they couldn't do that when I was standing there, I don't know. Unless they were renting soft-core porn. While I was in the Television section, I picked up a copy of the first season of Extras. This way, I wouldn't just be renting porno. Plus, maybe if the cashier saw the copy of Extras, they would think I was an intellectual, who appreciated different forms of entertainment, and not just a pervert.

When I went back to snag Hidden Beauties, I noticed their were two copies. I grabbed the second one because the picture was smaller on the box, so maybe less people in the store would notice it. The box also said edition on it. I couldn't see the word before edition because of the Hollywood Video sticker on it. I assumed it said Collector's Edition.

(As a side note, whenever you touch one of these boxes, be sure to wash your hands. You know what people have been doing when they watch these kinds of movies)

When I went to the cashier, I noticed there was a stacked girl working the cash register. You have two options at this point. Put the Hidden Beauties DVD underneath the Extras DVD, which says, "I am a scared pervert, please don't tell anyone I'm renting this."-or-You can put the porno on the top and say, "Yeah, I'm watching this, you wanna join me?"

I decided to go with option one, and put the porno on top. Unfortunately, after I did this, the fat guy from the back room came up front and told me he could ring up my order. He took a double take when he saw the cover. I'm guessing he was wishing he was taking the DVD home.

Once I got outside I looked at the side of the box and noticed that this was not a Collector's Edition, but a Limited Edition. Limited Edition? What did this mean? Did it mean there was only a limited number made? This couldn't be, there were two copies just in Hollywood Video. Limited Edition must have meant that this copy had limited content. I didn't want this. I thought about going back in the store and exchanging it for the other copy, but decided that would just be embarrassing. I hung my head and went home.

Don't be disappointed readers, once I got home, I found that the DVD doesn’t have any content missing. It is full of soft-core fun. That’s right, Soft-core porn-all the sex of hard core porn, minus the penetration.

Facebook Applications

I found a new Facebook application that allows others to rank your appearance based on your photo. The application is provided through hotornot.com There are currently 800,000 users of this application. They truly are an army of tools.
For all of those people who have added this application, I give you a middle schooler out of 10. AFcheer32 told me I shouldn't be "hatin" cause her "bu" plays football and will kick my ass, but get a mother f***ing life. There's a name for guys who try to find hotties on Facebook, their called members of the clergy.
Facebook was started for college students, and now we've let the rift raff in. For instance, there is an application that promotes graffiti. What's next, an application that promotes food stamps? I'm also not a huge fan of the top friends application. Anyone who knows me knows that if I'm nice to you, I probably just want to sleep with you. That could be a good application, top friends I want to sleep with. How about an application for people you don't know, who add you as friends. We'll call it the strangers application. I think I'll invite Mark Wahlberg, I've never met him. After I've added him as a stranger, I can rank him a 10.

Suzanne Somers

As much as I wanted to bone her while she was on Step by Step, I think I've lost my desire for Suzanne Somers. She may have lost her cellulite, but she also lost her dignity. TRY IT FREE-they meant Suzanne Somers

I may occasionally take a peek of her camel toe on a rerun of Threes Company, or Candid Camera, but I don't think I will be very turned on by her.

e-mail

Today I checked my e-mail five times, but never got a new e-mail. It was a madening experience. I punched my cat in the face. I wish I haden't done that. What can I say, I just really wanted an e-mail. Would it kill someone to try to sell me a penis pill? I get spam everyday of the year including my birthday, but no messages today. To make myself feel better I sent myself an e-mail, unfortunatlly it was a gay joke about me.

Anjelah Johnson: The Love Story

I have found a new lady love. This is how it happened:

I was flipping the channels last night on the television, when I came across a girl performing her standup act. Instantly, I was intrigued. You don't see many women stand-ups, but most of them are really funny. My favorite is Rosie O'Donnell. I rented a copy of her early work and turned down the volume. Then my friend and I made fat jokes about her, while we watched. It was hilarious. We would have ordered pizza, but we lost our appetites after looking at her.
(Seriously, most women comedians are funny. My real favorites are Rosanne Barr, Ellen Degeneres, and Kathy Griffin.)
Anyway, I saw this new girl doing stand-up and she was hilarious! She was also really hot! I couldn't believe my eyes. I am in love with her. No, not the type of love where I saw her one time on TV. and developed an unhealthy obsession with her love. Like, the real love. The love where I hang out with her and smell her hair.
There's only one problem. She's a new cast member on Madtv. Madtv, more like Badtv. Why don't you just get a job on Two and a Half Men? I would rather watch an episode of Touched by an Angle, or set myself on fire. Literally the only time I watch that show is by mistake, and then I cut my wrist with glass shards for making that mistake.
The Madtv thing is only a small problem. I'm sure we can work it out once we are married. I haven't asked her, I'm still working up the courage to add her as a friend on myspace.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YJtVAbGU2k&NR=1

Imitations

This one time I was on this stage telling jokes. At least I think I was telling jokes; there were a lot of people laughing at me. Although, I've had a lot of people laugh at me before, without telling any jokes. Like this one time when I had chocolate on my teeth and no one told me, and I just kept asking "What’s so funny?" Then I laughed like I knew what they were laughing at, which only made them laugh harder.
Anyway like I said before, I was on stage making people laugh.
A lady in the crowd asked, "Do you do any imitations."
"What," I asked.
"Do you do any imitations," she repeated.
"No, I heard you. That was my imitation of a deaf person." I said.

It was a pretty funny moment, but not a great imitation. I think if I were really good at imitations, I would imitate Mark Wahlberg. That way I could have sex with a bunch of Maximum Models and extras from Entourage. I think I'll start working on my imitation right now.