Double Standard

Yesterday my three year old cousin (Andrea) said, “Damn it.”

Everyone acted offended that she would say such a filthy word at our Easter Sunday brunch. She was scolded and then forced to apologize to the family.

However, when Robin Williams says the F-word, everyone laughs.
Audiences say, “Oh, he is so talented and funny. We should pay him millions of dollars to perform in such cinematic masterpieces as RV and Man of the Year.”

If you ask me, there is a double standard. Why aren’t three year old girls allowed to be foul-mouthed comedians? Isn’t that how Dakota Fanning got her start?

Fear and Loathing On Easter Sunday

The Easter bunny left me two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that the Easter bunny nedded to leave all this in my basket, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the marshmellow peeps. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an peeps binge, and I knew we'd get into those suger-coated chickens pretty soon.

What if.....?

What if you were like 30 years old when you learned to wipe your ass?
Like, you had no idea how to wipe your own ass, and your wife was a total bitch and said, "I'm not going to do this for you anymore."
Then, you would be really bad at wiping your ass, because you had never done it before. You would secretly go to your mom's house and have her do it for you. Like, you would be in your bathroom and sneak out of your house without your wife knowing, and drive down the street, but the entire time you would have doo-doo all over your ass. Then, when you finally got to your mom's house, you wouldn't need her to wipe, because the doo-doo had already been smeared on your underwear.
Then, you would try to wash your underwear before your wife noticed, but she would catch you because she has a nose and can smell poop. She would make you start wiping your ass, while she watched.
You would get better at wiping, but sometimes get extra doo-doo on your hand and it would come off when you pet the dog. Then your wife would be a bitch again and get mad because you didn't wipe properly and got poop on the dog.
Then, you would finally become a wiping master and be such a good wiper that people would pay you to wipe their ass.

Dope Nose Antics

Original written sometime last year, I found this passage in the Good Luck Diary. I believe this to be the harsh ramblings of a man burnt out on porn and alcohol:

Thanks to the two study days provided by U.T. I suddenly found myself slightly board. Oh, sure I could go drink some beers and watch some 15 sec. film clips of pornography from some half rate teen lesbian website, but I already did that. Nothing makes the day better than getting drunk at 10:30 in the morning and watching two skinny-assed, greasy-haired lesbians with gaps in their teeth and barbed-wire tattoos around their arms moan robotically as they share a dildo.
By one o’clock I was coming back down from by buzz, and wishing I had never been born.

However, something came into my mind and I suddenly found myself happier than I have ever been in my entire life. That something that occurred to me was the realization that I could visit Facbook.com. At Facebook you can view pictures of other people having fun. Sometimes I like to look at pictures of parties and pretend I was there and that I had the most fun of anyone. It’s almost like I’m having real fun, and I don’t even have to leave my room.

I rapidly clicked on my Mozilla Firefox icon and logged into my Facebook account. Next, I got lost in a sea of profiles, and started having fun at all kinds of parties, when out of nowhere I realized I was at a high school party. When did Facebook start allowing high schoolers to join? I really don’t care that they are on Facebook, I just found it a bit shocking at first. Anyway, I’m not really sure how it happened, but I found myself looking at all different types of groups that people had established, and I realized that some people are just plain idiots. One stuck out as being the most idiotic.

Group: Things that all guys should do for girls. No excuses. (4,000+ members)

At first, I thought this was just some elaborate scheme to get laid, but apparently it is just what the group name says it is, a list of things guys should do for girls. I would sincerely like to thank
HYPERLINK http://ferris.facebook.com/s.php?k=10080&id=1254300050

Micah Gunderman
(Ferris State), who attends Grand Rapids Baptist High School '06 for creating this group. Apparently in Micah’s 18 years of life he has gained enough knowledge into both females and the complex phenomenon of love to be able to tell all other guys how to “properly” treat a lady. I’ve met my fair share of 40-year-old divorcees that would disagree. Micah explains on the site that, “Sometimes, guys, we just have to be men, not guys. Step up. Seriously... it's getting annoying.” No Micah, Pee Wee Herman is annoying. The film The Pest is annoying. Carrot Top is annoying. No seriously, tools like you are annoying. Who the fuck gave you all the damn answers. You think you have a right to tell others how women want to be treated. Why don’t you let women speak for themselves you backwoods conservative asshole? Or, do you think they need a man’s help in expressing their thoughts? It’s old-fashion chivalry that keeps women from reaching their full potential. In my disgust for the site I’ve prepared responses to Micah’s list.

[Michah's postings appear in the bold, while my responses are in purple]

When in a place of worship (or other places that have aisles and pews), if a man is at the end of the pew, when exiting he should stand in the aisle and let all the females go before him.
Yes, that way the aisles are crowded and it takes forever to get out of church. I think the reason that man was sitting at the end in the first place was so he could get out first if the building went up in flames.

A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick (or musical, or opera, or ballet... whatever her preference is) *without* complaining about it!
I don’t see a lot of girls volunteering to watch Terminator II.

Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way).
If I want to make a girl cry, I’ll punch her in the face.

Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast.
I know. I hate when my man won’t talk to me. What are you, a communications major? You dumb sack of shit.

Find out what her favorite flower is & buy them for her randomly. Good rule of thumb: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else.
"A handful of daisies wrapped in a napkin are better then a single rose."
That’s a line from Reese Witherspoon in 24 Hour Delivery. You would know that if you were up on your chick-flicks. (see number 2)

If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again.
I love when my friends talk about how in love they are with their girlfriends. It doesn’t make me feel lonely, bitter, or depressed. I especially don’t want to kick their two front teeth in.

Re-enact Zales commercials (the ice is nice but certainly not mandatory).
I quite using the words cheesy and cliché and just started saying Zales. If I wanted to re-enact a commercial it would be the one for the Girls Gone Wild video.

Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually free of cost.
Like perhaps a steaming glob of cum in the face?

Call, leave a note (or send a message) just to say "hi".
That sounds annoying as fuck.

Ask her questions about herself.
What do you mean today is your birthday? Are you on your period? Do you spit or swallow? Are you comfortable with doggy-style? Have you ever fantasized about another woman? Do you masturbate? Have you ever watched porn? What do you think about annul? What size are your boobies? Were you mad when I got it in your eye? You do shave your bush, right? How does that taste? Do you want me to slap your ass? Why do you scream someone else’s name? What do you mean I’m not big enough? Have you ever heard of double penetration? How was your day?

PRIDE & PREJUDICE ...every guy will probably have to watch this movie at least once in his life. So brace yourselves. (No, just kidding!) Many girls like this movie, and if yours does, she will really appreciate it that you watched it with her. So don't make it a chore. Try to enjoy it. (Even if you have to laugh at what the guys wear or how they talk.) She’ll enjoy that you are enjoying yourself.
I always enjoy watching Pride & Prejudice. It’s fun to masturbate to.

Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They're children after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you.
If I teach them to be better men than me, then how am I supposed to get laid?

Kiss her on the forehead.
Only if she kisses me on the head.

Pretend to throw her in the pool (or fountain/pond). She'll fight you, but secretly she loves it. If you really do throw her in, you better jump in yourself.
Girls do love it when you throw them in the pool. They also love it when you hold their heads underwater.

Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it's the small things that win you big points).
Do you mean big points in the bedroom? Should I hold her hand while she takes a shit?

Stupid jokes= awkwardly adorable moments.
Ahh, that’s cute. I prefer to tell actual jokes. Like the one about what kind of bees make milk.

Tickle her, tease her, let her tease you back with out getting all bent out of shape about it
I like to tickle with a feather duster.

Don't call her hot, or pretty, or cute; call her beautiful because that's what she is.
Can I call her a bitch, if that’s what she is?

Offer her your jacket/sweatshirt. (Note: you may not see that particular item of clothing for a while, if ever again).
Thanks for the heads up, dog. I’ll be sure to take a pair of her panties.

Don't be too proud to apologize.
I’m sorry you ate all that cheese and got constipated?

It's not stalking to watch her sleep if you fall asleep watching a movie. It is stalking to watch her sleep if you're standing outside her window with night vision goggles.
I’m pretty sure it’s always creepy.

When she feels at her worst, tell her she looks her best.
When she feels her best, tell her she looks her worst. Someone has to take her down a few notches. You should hope she does the same thing for you.

Don't check out other girls in front of your girl friends/sisters/mother, unless you are sincere when you later ask them if you think she could introduce the two of you for more reason than you "want to get some". Pull this in front of your girlfriend/fiancée/wife; she has every right to clock you in the jaw.
Yeah, cause girls don’t ever do this. How about I clock you for writing this?

Guys- Always pay for the date. No matter how expensive it gets or how much money you DON'T have.
Are you saying that guys make more money than girls? Wait, we do.

Always do everything in your power to keep her as happy as you can. And cheer her up in any way possible.
Did someone say alcohol?

When walking on the sidewalk, always walk on the outside near traffic.
This originates from England in which buggies or coaches would pass on the street and splash mud on pedestrians. It is sourly outdated. I hope Micah walks next to the street, so he gets hit by a bus.

At least do everything in your power to keep cursing to a minimum while around her. If you can, cut it out period while around her, or cut it out of your vocabulary. Women don't want to hear it, guys don't care about it, adults don't want to hear it, it doesn't impress employers, and you sure won't want your children or someone else’s to hear it!
Fuck you! If a girl curses it’s a turn-on, like in a porno. “Fuck my fucking cunt with your fucking ten inch cock.”

Sometimes you have to take the initiative. Don’t always wait for her to come to you, because if that's how it always is you're going to lose her.
I assume you’re speaking from experience. You seem like a guy that has lost a lot of girls.

If any lady is walking alone to her car in a dark parking lot/garage, or is carrying a heavy load, always offer to help walk her to her destination and carry things, if not the entire load.
Once your at the car, feel free to say you need a ride down town. Don't take no for an anwser, you carried her bags after all.

If a woman says no, let that be her final answer. Do not pressure or force her in any way. Don't make her give in to something she doesn't want to do.
Did somone say alcohol?

Write her a poem or a song. Even if you aren't talented it’s the thought that counts.
It is the thought that counts. Unfortunately, her thought might be that you are a fagot.

Surprise her at work. It says allot to bring her dinner or a snack especially if she’s had a bad day.
Show up at her place of employment naked-that will surprise her. Or surprise her while she’s taking a shit.

If she's had a bad day, it sometimes feels better to be hugged than it does to be showered with kisses.
And it feels better to be fucked than it does to be hugged.

Its ok to smile every once in a while. It'll make her wonder what you're thinking about.
I’m thinking about fucking your sister.

Kiss her for no reason. It let's her know you're crazy about her.
And if you kiss her enough it lets her know you’re crazy.

A nice massage, but only if your close, otherwise it may seem a little uncomfortable and pushy.
A lot of girls have electric massagers, so you can use that on them. ( but not on their shoulders)

Know that there is a place and a time for most things. Try to know when these are. The bench in the mall is not the place to seduce her, as well as family gatherings.
If you’re seducing girls at family gatherings than social graces are the least of your problems.

Always be honest with her. No woman wants or likes a dishonest man. If you can't be honest with her she can't trust you, and shows you don't trust her enough to be honest. Trust, honesty and integrity are just as an integral part of a relationship and just as important as love.
Thanks Dr. Phil.

My Funny Valentine

Last year I ran into a girl I knew from high school at a Valentine’s dance. After a minute or so of talking with her, she introduced me to her date, who was also girl. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to loosen up a little before Valentine’s Day dances, so I had been drinking heavily for about three and a half hours.

In a have drunken slur I said, “Cool, you brought your friend to the dance.”

The girl then made it a point to say, “No, this is my date. We’re on a date.”

This girl had always been a little boy crazy in high school, but had never seemed to have much luck with guys because there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make her look pretty. She had also always been a little weird and attention starved, so the fact that she would invent a lesbian relationship did not surprise me.

I imagined she would take great joy seeing my shocked face when she announced she was out of the closet. No doubt I would tell others from high school. She would be the talk of the college campus, when all the people from my high school would discuss her lesbian relationship. We would create elaborate rumors about all night pussy eating. The guys, who had once turned her down, would instantly become attracted to her, because after all just the mention of a lesbian relationship to a man will give him a painful three day erection, no matter how many times he masturbates. Yes, I imagined she would take great joy in announcing she was a lesbian, so I had no other option but to crush that joy.

“We’re on a date,” she repeated again.

“Yeah,” I said.

The trick was, I had to play it cool, as if I met lesbian couples everyday, as if everyone I’ve ever met was a lesbian, as if I’ve never met a non lesbian. As far as I was concerned, the entire room was full of lesbians. I shook my head and glanced from side to side as if I were bored with her and her fake lesbian date. The excitement faded from her eyes, and I excused myself to go home.

When I got back to my room, I felt a strange happiness for having crushed her spirit, but I felt like she had deserved it a little. I decided to celebrate my victory by watching some lesbian pornography. I downloaded a film from welivetogher.com, put on an Reliant K album, and went to town.