My Funny Valentine

Last year I ran into a girl I knew from high school at a Valentine’s dance. After a minute or so of talking with her, she introduced me to her date, who was also girl. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to loosen up a little before Valentine’s Day dances, so I had been drinking heavily for about three and a half hours.

In a have drunken slur I said, “Cool, you brought your friend to the dance.”

The girl then made it a point to say, “No, this is my date. We’re on a date.”

This girl had always been a little boy crazy in high school, but had never seemed to have much luck with guys because there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make her look pretty. She had also always been a little weird and attention starved, so the fact that she would invent a lesbian relationship did not surprise me.

I imagined she would take great joy seeing my shocked face when she announced she was out of the closet. No doubt I would tell others from high school. She would be the talk of the college campus, when all the people from my high school would discuss her lesbian relationship. We would create elaborate rumors about all night pussy eating. The guys, who had once turned her down, would instantly become attracted to her, because after all just the mention of a lesbian relationship to a man will give him a painful three day erection, no matter how many times he masturbates. Yes, I imagined she would take great joy in announcing she was a lesbian, so I had no other option but to crush that joy.

“We’re on a date,” she repeated again.

“Yeah,” I said.

The trick was, I had to play it cool, as if I met lesbian couples everyday, as if everyone I’ve ever met was a lesbian, as if I’ve never met a non lesbian. As far as I was concerned, the entire room was full of lesbians. I shook my head and glanced from side to side as if I were bored with her and her fake lesbian date. The excitement faded from her eyes, and I excused myself to go home.

When I got back to my room, I felt a strange happiness for having crushed her spirit, but I felt like she had deserved it a little. I decided to celebrate my victory by watching some lesbian pornography. I downloaded a film from welivetogher.com, put on an Reliant K album, and went to town.