Chuck E. Cheese

Chuck E. Cheese-Why do you have such a disgusting mascot? You could have chosen anything. You choose a rat--a rat with pubic hair for whiskers. Let’s think for a minute. What could be a better mascot? How about Charles Manson or a bear taking a dump on a tiger’s face? Seriously, a rat! What was your second choice- a tampon? At least then you could say, “Have a bloody good time at Chuck E. Cheese.”

http://www.chuckecheese.com/

3:10 to Yuma

3:10 to Yuma, directed by James Mangold (Kate and Leopold), is a new film playing in theaters across the nation. The movie stars Russell Crowe (Breaking Up) and Christian Bale (Anastasia: The Mystery of Anna). The film co-stares Ben Foster (Breakfast with Einstein), Logan Lerman (Jack and Bobby) and Peter Fonda (Dance of the Dwarfs). A strong performance is also given by Luke Wilson (Scream 2, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde) in his cameo appearance as Zeke.

Roger Ebert writes of the film, "...restores the wounded heart of the Western and rescues it from the morass of point-less violence." However, I could not disagree more. The major flaw in the film is that it avoids major themes of other classical westerns. I have listed the themes below

1. Time Travel—Back to the Future Three was one of the greatest westerns of all time. They didn’t care if Deloreans didn’t exist in the 1800s, they said we’re putting it in the film and that’s final.

2. Gay Sex.—Brokeback Mountain had a tone of guy on guy action. They didn’t care if gay sex didn’t exist in the mid-1960’s, they said we’re putting it in the film and that’s final.

3. A Bad Story Line—If you’ve ever seen the movie Maverick, you understand that this one speaks for itself.

4. Mexican stereotypes—The Three Amigos wasn’t afraid to show Mexicans as they really are-dirty people who have trouble speaking English.

5. John Wayne’s bulge—Rather it is Stagecoach, She wore a Yellow Ribbon, or The Searchers, you’re guaranteed to see John Wayne’s dong through his pants. Audiences are left saying, "Thank you. Can I have seconds?"


Nice try 3:10 to Yuma, but you ultimately fall short as a Western.

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070906/REVIEWS/709060305

http://imdb.com/

Yosemite Sam

This one time, I heard a drunk guy yell, "Yosemite Sam is a bastard!"

That's all I heard of the conversation the gentleman was having with himself, but those words have left a lasting impression on me, that in all liklyhood will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Indeed, Yosemite Sam in not an admirable person. The guy is just plain mean. When you consider the man is an Irish cowboy dawf, you realize that he is degrading to both Yosemite National Park and cowboys everywhere.

However, I feel it necessary to point out the positive of Yosemite Sam.

In an artilce on Wikipedia, the author points out that, "Though officially a cowboy, Freleng put Sam in a different costume in almost every film: a knight, a Roman legionary, a pirate, a royal cook, a prison guard, a duke (Duke of Yosemite, no less), a Confederate soldier, and even a space alien."(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yosemite_Sam)

As you can see Yosemite Sam, as an actor, is not just limitted to playing one type of bastard, but rather many different types of bastard roles. In fact he is so good at playing bastards, Yosemite is now tight cast as a bastard.

In recent years, Yosemite has tried to break away from his persona. He auditioned for the Jake Gyllenhaal role in Broke Back Mountaion. Rumor has it that director Ane Lee was impressed by Yosemite's use of his signature yell of, "Oooooh," after me burt himself on Heath Ledger's dick.

I write this to encourage everybody not to judge Mr. Sam. Next time you see him on a mud flap, give him a wink and smile, and remeber that he's not so bad after all.

Kid Nation

Kid Nation is a show on CBS. The show posses the question, what would happen if kids ruled the world. What do you think it would be like? I’m guessing a lot like Lord of the Fucking Flies.
I’ve caught the first few episodes, and the show doesn’t have much to offer, unless you’re a pedophile. First off, none of the contestants have hooked up, yet. I don’t know why, those girls on the show are hot! They didn’t make them like that when I had braces. I don’t know why those guys don’t get on some of that. It’s almost like they haven’t even gone through puberty yet. Perhaps no one has hooked up because they don’t drink any alcohol on the show. What are they living in Bethlehem or something? Apparently if kids ruled the world, everyone would be a Puritan.
I’m going to keep watching Kid Nation in hopes that the kids will age a few years and start attending Bay Side High School. The last crew that went to that school didn’t drink or have sex either, but damn they were cool.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/

Burt and Ernie Gay?

I was recently asked if Burt and Ernie were gay. Of course Burt and Ernie are not gay. They have a fist up their ass, but they’re not gay. I mean if Bert were gay, he would probably wax his unibrow, or his massive amount of pubic hair. Burt and Ernie are just roommates. What actually happened is Burt had to take a crap, and accidentally walked in on Ernie jacking-off. The worst part was; Ernie was using the rubber ducky.
You’ve heard that song he sings, “Rubber Ducky you’re the one. Oh, don’t you like it when I cum.” Anyway, Bert told Elmo about what he saw, and Elmo told everyone they were gay. The next thing you know, Grover is telling kids that the letter, H, is for homosexuals.

Fired

I was fired recently. I don’t know why. One minute you’re the employee of the month. The next, you’re the guy who exposed himself. It turns out, that’s not what the copier was used for. Thank you, I now know that.

My boss called me in to his office; this is the conversation we had:

“I’m going to have to fire you”-Boss

“Why”-Me

“I saw your penis”-Boss

“I’ve looked at every guys penis here at the urinal. None of them are being fired! I was just returning the favor. Show me yours, I’ll show you mine. Let’s just slow down here! I mean I think you’re really to blame here, cause one time-one time I watched you poo- poo and that’s way worse than what I did!”-ME

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave the building.”-Boss

“Ok. I’ll leave. I’ll walk right out that door…but I’m never watching you poo-poo again. So, just think about that.”-Me

The C Word

Why is it that girls like the word cute so much? How is it that the same word can be talking about a puppy and the outfit she is wearing? Is she saying her outfit is made out of puppies?
I don’t even know what the word cute means. In fact, I’ve never even used the word cute, unless I’m mocking the word cute.
Don’t get me wrong; I think it is great when a girl tells another girl she looks cute. I just can’t tell another guy he looks cute. I mean, I may want to, but I can’t.
You never hear a guy telling another guy, “You look really cute today. No, your hair is perfect, and that Bud Light shirt-nice choice my man. The nacho cheese stain really brings out your eyes, and complements the seamen stain on your pants.”
Now that I think about it, cute probably means anything that isn’t gross. Since all guys are gross, we choose not to use the word.