What to expect when you are expecting?....Well you can expect to get fat and have a baby come out of your vagina.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
New Opener
Today, I came up with a good opening for my Stand-up comedy act.
My old opener: Hey my name is Trevor, which is strange because people say,
"You don't look like a Trevor.......(pause for punchline)....you look like a faggot(punchline).
My new opener: So I live in Tennessee. Original I'm from....(pause for punchline)....my mother's vagina (punchline). I don't ever go back to visit, but my father says it's beautiful this time of year.
My old opener: Hey my name is Trevor, which is strange because people say,
"You don't look like a Trevor.......(pause for punchline)....you look like a faggot(punchline).
My new opener: So I live in Tennessee. Original I'm from....(pause for punchline)....my mother's vagina (punchline). I don't ever go back to visit, but my father says it's beautiful this time of year.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
My day at work
Today at work, I was talking with a coworker. I don't remember what we were talking about, but it was probably about acne, or the Cher farewell tour. During the middle of the conversation, my coworker remembered he was supposed to attend a meeting, starting in just a few minutes.
"Oh f*ck me in the *ss" he yelled.
"Well, you could at least buy me a drink first" I said.
Then he left for his meeting.
Later I was talking with another coworker, when she mentioned that she had gone to the Kentucky Derby this weekend.
"Cool. Did you see that girl-horse die?" I asked.
Then she left for a meeting.
"Oh f*ck me in the *ss" he yelled.
"Well, you could at least buy me a drink first" I said.
Then he left for his meeting.
Later I was talking with another coworker, when she mentioned that she had gone to the Kentucky Derby this weekend.
"Cool. Did you see that girl-horse die?" I asked.
Then she left for a meeting.
Friday, May 2, 2008
A Sad Event
A sad event happened my freshmen year in high school.
You might be thinking that I won a Magic the Gathering tournament, or went to a Christan Rock concert that day, but you would be wrong.
Actually, what happened was a deaf kid in one of my classes leaned over to pick up his notebook and blasted the loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. Seriously, the fart was so loud, I didn't even know it was a fart!
He of course didn't even know he had farted loud. I'm not even sure if he knew farts made noise. The entire class started laughing. Even the kid's interpreter laughed at him. He just sat in his chair, writing in his notebook, oblivious to what was going on around him.
Sometimes I think back on that event, and wished I hadn't laughed.
Of course, then I start laughing.
Maybe one day, "I'll grow up."
You might be thinking that I won a Magic the Gathering tournament, or went to a Christan Rock concert that day, but you would be wrong.
Actually, what happened was a deaf kid in one of my classes leaned over to pick up his notebook and blasted the loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. Seriously, the fart was so loud, I didn't even know it was a fart!
He of course didn't even know he had farted loud. I'm not even sure if he knew farts made noise. The entire class started laughing. Even the kid's interpreter laughed at him. He just sat in his chair, writing in his notebook, oblivious to what was going on around him.
Sometimes I think back on that event, and wished I hadn't laughed.
Of course, then I start laughing.
Maybe one day, "I'll grow up."
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Time I Went to a Comedy Workshop
I once attended a comedy writing workshop in my home town. However, a majority of the residents in my home town are considered elderly. I was not at all surprised to see that the comedy workshop, which consisted for six people, was filled with old people. Even the lady teaching the workshop was old.
During one of the exercises, the teacher gave us the beggining of a sentence and we were supposed to finish the sentence with a humors saying. The idea was that we were not supposed to think long and hard about how to make the sentence funny, but to write down the first clever thought that popped into our brain.
Our first sentence was:
In ten years I want to
I responded with:
Adopt a kid from China, so I don’t have to pay for karate lessons.
No one laughed.
The second sentence was:
Two heads are better than one.
I responded:
Unless you’re a porn star.
Once again no one laughed.
Then I was asked to leave.
During one of the exercises, the teacher gave us the beggining of a sentence and we were supposed to finish the sentence with a humors saying. The idea was that we were not supposed to think long and hard about how to make the sentence funny, but to write down the first clever thought that popped into our brain.
Our first sentence was:
In ten years I want to
I responded with:
Adopt a kid from China, so I don’t have to pay for karate lessons.
No one laughed.
The second sentence was:
Two heads are better than one.
I responded:
Unless you’re a porn star.
Once again no one laughed.
Then I was asked to leave.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Famous Quotes in Cinima
Those who know me know that I’m a big movie fan. If you don’t know me, then I guessed you just learned an interesting fact about me. (Perhaps the most interesting fact about myself)
Anyway, I like movies so much that I often find myself quoting random films. (What do you mean I’m not the only person alive that does this?)
Of all the movies to quote, my favorite is Kindergarten Cop, staring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“Boy’s have a penis, girls have a vagina.” Joseph (Miko Hughes, Surf School)
Never in the history of cinema has a better line of dialogue been uttered. In fact, I would say that there is at least fifteen times a day, I would like quote this line.
Take for example if someone one were to ask me about what I did at work, like oh say, my imaginarily girlfriend.
“What did you do at work today?”
“I had a meeting with my coworkers.”
“What was it about?”
At this point, I could quote the famous line from Gone with the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Or
I could say, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”
Another example is if I were dropping my imaginary girlfriend off at the airport, so she could fly to Mexico to visit her family for two weeks. She would turn and look into my eyes, as her eyes began to fill with tears.
I could quote a line from Casablanca, “Here’s looking at you kid.”
Or
I could say, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”
I don’t always quote word for word. Sometimes I say,
“Boys have a wenis, girls have a vajayjay.”
Still, sometimes I like to add to the quote by saying phrases like,
“Well if you must know, boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.”
Once I got so excited to quote the Kindergarten Cop line, that I accidentally said,
"Boys have a vagina, girls have a penis.”
Boy was my face red!
Anyway, I like movies so much that I often find myself quoting random films. (What do you mean I’m not the only person alive that does this?)
Of all the movies to quote, my favorite is Kindergarten Cop, staring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“Boy’s have a penis, girls have a vagina.” Joseph (Miko Hughes, Surf School)
Never in the history of cinema has a better line of dialogue been uttered. In fact, I would say that there is at least fifteen times a day, I would like quote this line.
Take for example if someone one were to ask me about what I did at work, like oh say, my imaginarily girlfriend.
“What did you do at work today?”
“I had a meeting with my coworkers.”
“What was it about?”
At this point, I could quote the famous line from Gone with the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Or
I could say, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”
Another example is if I were dropping my imaginary girlfriend off at the airport, so she could fly to Mexico to visit her family for two weeks. She would turn and look into my eyes, as her eyes began to fill with tears.
I could quote a line from Casablanca, “Here’s looking at you kid.”
Or
I could say, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”
I don’t always quote word for word. Sometimes I say,
“Boys have a wenis, girls have a vajayjay.”
Still, sometimes I like to add to the quote by saying phrases like,
“Well if you must know, boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.”
Once I got so excited to quote the Kindergarten Cop line, that I accidentally said,
"Boys have a vagina, girls have a penis.”
Boy was my face red!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Contest
Congratulations!!! If you are reading this blog entry, then you are the winner of the Win a date with Trevor contest. To claim your prize e-mail t_ig2@hotmail.com with your times available and your favorite Red Lobster menu item.
(All winners must be of 18 years of age or older. Winners should also be hot girls with low self esteem. The contest never expirers and is valid with other contests, including but not limited to: Win a butt slap from Trevor contest, Win a night of awkward small talk with Trevor contest, and Win a hair smelling from Trevor. Not for resale)
(All winners must be of 18 years of age or older. Winners should also be hot girls with low self esteem. The contest never expirers and is valid with other contests, including but not limited to: Win a butt slap from Trevor contest, Win a night of awkward small talk with Trevor contest, and Win a hair smelling from Trevor. Not for resale)
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
April is for Fools
April Fools past and future:
Two years ago I visited my mom and told her I had gone deaf. I did so by talking like a deaf person, and acting like I couldn't hear her. She told me she thought the act was annoying. However, I found her not laughing at my joke annoying.
Last year for April fools, I tucked my penis in between my legs and told my mom that I was a girl.
I compleatly forgot about April fools this year...you might say I fooled myself.
I think next year I'll full myself into thinking people like me.
Monday, April 7, 2008
The Best Movie Ever???
I read somewhere that Ellen Page (the girl who would almost go on a date with me, if she wern't famous) and Juno co-star Oliva Thirlby are going to be in a movie about lesbian werewolves.
Finally, a movie that combines my two greatest loves.
Michael J. Fox and Juno co-star Jason Bateman will show up in a cameo as Scott and Todd Howard (Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Two) Only, this time Michael and Jason won't play teenagers, but middle-aged wolves who like to watch teenaged lesbian wolves have sex.
The film will also star Michael Cera and Johna Hill as Seth and Evan, from Superbad. Lesbian werewolves will make out in front of them, if they are able to buy alcohol for the she-wolves by the strock of midnight.
And as usual Kelsey Grammer will play the part of Dr. Frasier Crane.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Double Standard
Yesterday my three year old cousin (Andrea) said, “Damn it.”
Everyone acted offended that she would say such a filthy word at our Easter Sunday brunch. She was scolded and then forced to apologize to the family.
However, when Robin Williams says the F-word, everyone laughs.
Audiences say, “Oh, he is so talented and funny. We should pay him millions of dollars to perform in such cinematic masterpieces as RV and Man of the Year.”
If you ask me, there is a double standard. Why aren’t three year old girls allowed to be foul-mouthed comedians? Isn’t that how Dakota Fanning got her start?
Everyone acted offended that she would say such a filthy word at our Easter Sunday brunch. She was scolded and then forced to apologize to the family.
However, when Robin Williams says the F-word, everyone laughs.
Audiences say, “Oh, he is so talented and funny. We should pay him millions of dollars to perform in such cinematic masterpieces as RV and Man of the Year.”
If you ask me, there is a double standard. Why aren’t three year old girls allowed to be foul-mouthed comedians? Isn’t that how Dakota Fanning got her start?
Fear and Loathing On Easter Sunday
The Easter bunny left me two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that the Easter bunny nedded to leave all this in my basket, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the marshmellow peeps. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an peeps binge, and I knew we'd get into those suger-coated chickens pretty soon.
Monday, March 17, 2008
What if.....?
What if you were like 30 years old when you learned to wipe your ass?
Like, you had no idea how to wipe your own ass, and your wife was a total bitch and said, "I'm not going to do this for you anymore."
Then, you would be really bad at wiping your ass, because you had never done it before. You would secretly go to your mom's house and have her do it for you. Like, you would be in your bathroom and sneak out of your house without your wife knowing, and drive down the street, but the entire time you would have doo-doo all over your ass. Then, when you finally got to your mom's house, you wouldn't need her to wipe, because the doo-doo had already been smeared on your underwear.
Then, you would try to wash your underwear before your wife noticed, but she would catch you because she has a nose and can smell poop. She would make you start wiping your ass, while she watched.
You would get better at wiping, but sometimes get extra doo-doo on your hand and it would come off when you pet the dog. Then your wife would be a bitch again and get mad because you didn't wipe properly and got poop on the dog.
Then, you would finally become a wiping master and be such a good wiper that people would pay you to wipe their ass.
Like, you had no idea how to wipe your own ass, and your wife was a total bitch and said, "I'm not going to do this for you anymore."
Then, you would be really bad at wiping your ass, because you had never done it before. You would secretly go to your mom's house and have her do it for you. Like, you would be in your bathroom and sneak out of your house without your wife knowing, and drive down the street, but the entire time you would have doo-doo all over your ass. Then, when you finally got to your mom's house, you wouldn't need her to wipe, because the doo-doo had already been smeared on your underwear.
Then, you would try to wash your underwear before your wife noticed, but she would catch you because she has a nose and can smell poop. She would make you start wiping your ass, while she watched.
You would get better at wiping, but sometimes get extra doo-doo on your hand and it would come off when you pet the dog. Then your wife would be a bitch again and get mad because you didn't wipe properly and got poop on the dog.
Then, you would finally become a wiping master and be such a good wiper that people would pay you to wipe their ass.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Dope Nose Antics
Original written sometime last year, I found this passage in the Good Luck Diary. I believe this to be the harsh ramblings of a man burnt out on porn and alcohol:
Thanks to the two study days provided by U.T. I suddenly found myself slightly board. Oh, sure I could go drink some beers and watch some 15 sec. film clips of pornography from some half rate teen lesbian website, but I already did that. Nothing makes the day better than getting drunk at 10:30 in the morning and watching two skinny-assed, greasy-haired lesbians with gaps in their teeth and barbed-wire tattoos around their arms moan robotically as they share a dildo.
By one o’clock I was coming back down from by buzz, and wishing I had never been born.
However, something came into my mind and I suddenly found myself happier than I have ever been in my entire life. That something that occurred to me was the realization that I could visit Facbook.com. At Facebook you can view pictures of other people having fun. Sometimes I like to look at pictures of parties and pretend I was there and that I had the most fun of anyone. It’s almost like I’m having real fun, and I don’t even have to leave my room.
I rapidly clicked on my Mozilla Firefox icon and logged into my Facebook account. Next, I got lost in a sea of profiles, and started having fun at all kinds of parties, when out of nowhere I realized I was at a high school party. When did Facebook start allowing high schoolers to join? I really don’t care that they are on Facebook, I just found it a bit shocking at first. Anyway, I’m not really sure how it happened, but I found myself looking at all different types of groups that people had established, and I realized that some people are just plain idiots. One stuck out as being the most idiotic.
Group: Things that all guys should do for girls. No excuses. (4,000+ members)
At first, I thought this was just some elaborate scheme to get laid, but apparently it is just what the group name says it is, a list of things guys should do for girls. I would sincerely like to thank
HYPERLINK http://ferris.facebook.com/s.php?k=10080&id=1254300050
Micah Gunderman
(Ferris State), who attends Grand Rapids Baptist High School '06 for creating this group. Apparently in Micah’s 18 years of life he has gained enough knowledge into both females and the complex phenomenon of love to be able to tell all other guys how to “properly” treat a lady. I’ve met my fair share of 40-year-old divorcees that would disagree. Micah explains on the site that, “Sometimes, guys, we just have to be men, not guys. Step up. Seriously... it's getting annoying.” No Micah, Pee Wee Herman is annoying. The film The Pest is annoying. Carrot Top is annoying. No seriously, tools like you are annoying. Who the fuck gave you all the damn answers. You think you have a right to tell others how women want to be treated. Why don’t you let women speak for themselves you backwoods conservative asshole? Or, do you think they need a man’s help in expressing their thoughts? It’s old-fashion chivalry that keeps women from reaching their full potential. In my disgust for the site I’ve prepared responses to Micah’s list.
[Michah's postings appear in the bold, while my responses are in purple]
When in a place of worship (or other places that have aisles and pews), if a man is at the end of the pew, when exiting he should stand in the aisle and let all the females go before him.
Yes, that way the aisles are crowded and it takes forever to get out of church. I think the reason that man was sitting at the end in the first place was so he could get out first if the building went up in flames.
A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick (or musical, or opera, or ballet... whatever her preference is) *without* complaining about it!
I don’t see a lot of girls volunteering to watch Terminator II.
Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way).
If I want to make a girl cry, I’ll punch her in the face.
Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast.
I know. I hate when my man won’t talk to me. What are you, a communications major? You dumb sack of shit.
Find out what her favorite flower is & buy them for her randomly. Good rule of thumb: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else.
"A handful of daisies wrapped in a napkin are better then a single rose."
That’s a line from Reese Witherspoon in 24 Hour Delivery. You would know that if you were up on your chick-flicks. (see number 2)
If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again.
I love when my friends talk about how in love they are with their girlfriends. It doesn’t make me feel lonely, bitter, or depressed. I especially don’t want to kick their two front teeth in.
Re-enact Zales commercials (the ice is nice but certainly not mandatory).
I quite using the words cheesy and cliché and just started saying Zales. If I wanted to re-enact a commercial it would be the one for the Girls Gone Wild video.
Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually free of cost.
Like perhaps a steaming glob of cum in the face?
Call, leave a note (or send a message) just to say "hi".
That sounds annoying as fuck.
Ask her questions about herself.
What do you mean today is your birthday? Are you on your period? Do you spit or swallow? Are you comfortable with doggy-style? Have you ever fantasized about another woman? Do you masturbate? Have you ever watched porn? What do you think about annul? What size are your boobies? Were you mad when I got it in your eye? You do shave your bush, right? How does that taste? Do you want me to slap your ass? Why do you scream someone else’s name? What do you mean I’m not big enough? Have you ever heard of double penetration? How was your day?
PRIDE & PREJUDICE ...every guy will probably have to watch this movie at least once in his life. So brace yourselves. (No, just kidding!) Many girls like this movie, and if yours does, she will really appreciate it that you watched it with her. So don't make it a chore. Try to enjoy it. (Even if you have to laugh at what the guys wear or how they talk.) She’ll enjoy that you are enjoying yourself.
I always enjoy watching Pride & Prejudice. It’s fun to masturbate to.
Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They're children after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you.
If I teach them to be better men than me, then how am I supposed to get laid?
Kiss her on the forehead.
Only if she kisses me on the head.
Pretend to throw her in the pool (or fountain/pond). She'll fight you, but secretly she loves it. If you really do throw her in, you better jump in yourself.
Girls do love it when you throw them in the pool. They also love it when you hold their heads underwater.
Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it's the small things that win you big points).
Do you mean big points in the bedroom? Should I hold her hand while she takes a shit?
Stupid jokes= awkwardly adorable moments.
Ahh, that’s cute. I prefer to tell actual jokes. Like the one about what kind of bees make milk.
Tickle her, tease her, let her tease you back with out getting all bent out of shape about it
I like to tickle with a feather duster.
Don't call her hot, or pretty, or cute; call her beautiful because that's what she is.
Can I call her a bitch, if that’s what she is?
Offer her your jacket/sweatshirt. (Note: you may not see that particular item of clothing for a while, if ever again).
Thanks for the heads up, dog. I’ll be sure to take a pair of her panties.
Don't be too proud to apologize.
I’m sorry you ate all that cheese and got constipated?
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if you fall asleep watching a movie. It is stalking to watch her sleep if you're standing outside her window with night vision goggles.
I’m pretty sure it’s always creepy.
When she feels at her worst, tell her she looks her best.
When she feels her best, tell her she looks her worst. Someone has to take her down a few notches. You should hope she does the same thing for you.
Don't check out other girls in front of your girl friends/sisters/mother, unless you are sincere when you later ask them if you think she could introduce the two of you for more reason than you "want to get some". Pull this in front of your girlfriend/fiancée/wife; she has every right to clock you in the jaw.
Yeah, cause girls don’t ever do this. How about I clock you for writing this?
Guys- Always pay for the date. No matter how expensive it gets or how much money you DON'T have.
Are you saying that guys make more money than girls? Wait, we do.
Always do everything in your power to keep her as happy as you can. And cheer her up in any way possible.
Did someone say alcohol?
When walking on the sidewalk, always walk on the outside near traffic.
This originates from England in which buggies or coaches would pass on the street and splash mud on pedestrians. It is sourly outdated. I hope Micah walks next to the street, so he gets hit by a bus.
At least do everything in your power to keep cursing to a minimum while around her. If you can, cut it out period while around her, or cut it out of your vocabulary. Women don't want to hear it, guys don't care about it, adults don't want to hear it, it doesn't impress employers, and you sure won't want your children or someone else’s to hear it!
Fuck you! If a girl curses it’s a turn-on, like in a porno. “Fuck my fucking cunt with your fucking ten inch cock.”
Sometimes you have to take the initiative. Don’t always wait for her to come to you, because if that's how it always is you're going to lose her.
I assume you’re speaking from experience. You seem like a guy that has lost a lot of girls.
If any lady is walking alone to her car in a dark parking lot/garage, or is carrying a heavy load, always offer to help walk her to her destination and carry things, if not the entire load.
Once your at the car, feel free to say you need a ride down town. Don't take no for an anwser, you carried her bags after all.
If a woman says no, let that be her final answer. Do not pressure or force her in any way. Don't make her give in to something she doesn't want to do.
Did somone say alcohol?
Write her a poem or a song. Even if you aren't talented it’s the thought that counts.
It is the thought that counts. Unfortunately, her thought might be that you are a fagot.
Surprise her at work. It says allot to bring her dinner or a snack especially if she’s had a bad day.
Show up at her place of employment naked-that will surprise her. Or surprise her while she’s taking a shit.
If she's had a bad day, it sometimes feels better to be hugged than it does to be showered with kisses.
And it feels better to be fucked than it does to be hugged.
Its ok to smile every once in a while. It'll make her wonder what you're thinking about.
I’m thinking about fucking your sister.
Kiss her for no reason. It let's her know you're crazy about her.
And if you kiss her enough it lets her know you’re crazy.
A nice massage, but only if your close, otherwise it may seem a little uncomfortable and pushy.
A lot of girls have electric massagers, so you can use that on them. ( but not on their shoulders)
Know that there is a place and a time for most things. Try to know when these are. The bench in the mall is not the place to seduce her, as well as family gatherings.
If you’re seducing girls at family gatherings than social graces are the least of your problems.
Always be honest with her. No woman wants or likes a dishonest man. If you can't be honest with her she can't trust you, and shows you don't trust her enough to be honest. Trust, honesty and integrity are just as an integral part of a relationship and just as important as love.
Thanks Dr. Phil.
Thanks to the two study days provided by U.T. I suddenly found myself slightly board. Oh, sure I could go drink some beers and watch some 15 sec. film clips of pornography from some half rate teen lesbian website, but I already did that. Nothing makes the day better than getting drunk at 10:30 in the morning and watching two skinny-assed, greasy-haired lesbians with gaps in their teeth and barbed-wire tattoos around their arms moan robotically as they share a dildo.
By one o’clock I was coming back down from by buzz, and wishing I had never been born.
However, something came into my mind and I suddenly found myself happier than I have ever been in my entire life. That something that occurred to me was the realization that I could visit Facbook.com. At Facebook you can view pictures of other people having fun. Sometimes I like to look at pictures of parties and pretend I was there and that I had the most fun of anyone. It’s almost like I’m having real fun, and I don’t even have to leave my room.
I rapidly clicked on my Mozilla Firefox icon and logged into my Facebook account. Next, I got lost in a sea of profiles, and started having fun at all kinds of parties, when out of nowhere I realized I was at a high school party. When did Facebook start allowing high schoolers to join? I really don’t care that they are on Facebook, I just found it a bit shocking at first. Anyway, I’m not really sure how it happened, but I found myself looking at all different types of groups that people had established, and I realized that some people are just plain idiots. One stuck out as being the most idiotic.
Group: Things that all guys should do for girls. No excuses. (4,000+ members)
At first, I thought this was just some elaborate scheme to get laid, but apparently it is just what the group name says it is, a list of things guys should do for girls. I would sincerely like to thank
HYPERLINK http://ferris.facebook.com/s.php?k=10080&id=1254300050
Micah Gunderman
(Ferris State), who attends Grand Rapids Baptist High School '06 for creating this group. Apparently in Micah’s 18 years of life he has gained enough knowledge into both females and the complex phenomenon of love to be able to tell all other guys how to “properly” treat a lady. I’ve met my fair share of 40-year-old divorcees that would disagree. Micah explains on the site that, “Sometimes, guys, we just have to be men, not guys. Step up. Seriously... it's getting annoying.” No Micah, Pee Wee Herman is annoying. The film The Pest is annoying. Carrot Top is annoying. No seriously, tools like you are annoying. Who the fuck gave you all the damn answers. You think you have a right to tell others how women want to be treated. Why don’t you let women speak for themselves you backwoods conservative asshole? Or, do you think they need a man’s help in expressing their thoughts? It’s old-fashion chivalry that keeps women from reaching their full potential. In my disgust for the site I’ve prepared responses to Micah’s list.
[Michah's postings appear in the bold, while my responses are in purple]
When in a place of worship (or other places that have aisles and pews), if a man is at the end of the pew, when exiting he should stand in the aisle and let all the females go before him.
Yes, that way the aisles are crowded and it takes forever to get out of church. I think the reason that man was sitting at the end in the first place was so he could get out first if the building went up in flames.
A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick (or musical, or opera, or ballet... whatever her preference is) *without* complaining about it!
I don’t see a lot of girls volunteering to watch Terminator II.
Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way).
If I want to make a girl cry, I’ll punch her in the face.
Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast.
I know. I hate when my man won’t talk to me. What are you, a communications major? You dumb sack of shit.
Find out what her favorite flower is & buy them for her randomly. Good rule of thumb: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else.
"A handful of daisies wrapped in a napkin are better then a single rose."
That’s a line from Reese Witherspoon in 24 Hour Delivery. You would know that if you were up on your chick-flicks. (see number 2)
If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again.
I love when my friends talk about how in love they are with their girlfriends. It doesn’t make me feel lonely, bitter, or depressed. I especially don’t want to kick their two front teeth in.
Re-enact Zales commercials (the ice is nice but certainly not mandatory).
I quite using the words cheesy and cliché and just started saying Zales. If I wanted to re-enact a commercial it would be the one for the Girls Gone Wild video.
Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually free of cost.
Like perhaps a steaming glob of cum in the face?
Call, leave a note (or send a message) just to say "hi".
That sounds annoying as fuck.
Ask her questions about herself.
What do you mean today is your birthday? Are you on your period? Do you spit or swallow? Are you comfortable with doggy-style? Have you ever fantasized about another woman? Do you masturbate? Have you ever watched porn? What do you think about annul? What size are your boobies? Were you mad when I got it in your eye? You do shave your bush, right? How does that taste? Do you want me to slap your ass? Why do you scream someone else’s name? What do you mean I’m not big enough? Have you ever heard of double penetration? How was your day?
PRIDE & PREJUDICE ...every guy will probably have to watch this movie at least once in his life. So brace yourselves. (No, just kidding!) Many girls like this movie, and if yours does, she will really appreciate it that you watched it with her. So don't make it a chore. Try to enjoy it. (Even if you have to laugh at what the guys wear or how they talk.) She’ll enjoy that you are enjoying yourself.
I always enjoy watching Pride & Prejudice. It’s fun to masturbate to.
Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They're children after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you.
If I teach them to be better men than me, then how am I supposed to get laid?
Kiss her on the forehead.
Only if she kisses me on the head.
Pretend to throw her in the pool (or fountain/pond). She'll fight you, but secretly she loves it. If you really do throw her in, you better jump in yourself.
Girls do love it when you throw them in the pool. They also love it when you hold their heads underwater.
Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it's the small things that win you big points).
Do you mean big points in the bedroom? Should I hold her hand while she takes a shit?
Stupid jokes= awkwardly adorable moments.
Ahh, that’s cute. I prefer to tell actual jokes. Like the one about what kind of bees make milk.
Tickle her, tease her, let her tease you back with out getting all bent out of shape about it
I like to tickle with a feather duster.
Don't call her hot, or pretty, or cute; call her beautiful because that's what she is.
Can I call her a bitch, if that’s what she is?
Offer her your jacket/sweatshirt. (Note: you may not see that particular item of clothing for a while, if ever again).
Thanks for the heads up, dog. I’ll be sure to take a pair of her panties.
Don't be too proud to apologize.
I’m sorry you ate all that cheese and got constipated?
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if you fall asleep watching a movie. It is stalking to watch her sleep if you're standing outside her window with night vision goggles.
I’m pretty sure it’s always creepy.
When she feels at her worst, tell her she looks her best.
When she feels her best, tell her she looks her worst. Someone has to take her down a few notches. You should hope she does the same thing for you.
Don't check out other girls in front of your girl friends/sisters/mother, unless you are sincere when you later ask them if you think she could introduce the two of you for more reason than you "want to get some". Pull this in front of your girlfriend/fiancée/wife; she has every right to clock you in the jaw.
Yeah, cause girls don’t ever do this. How about I clock you for writing this?
Guys- Always pay for the date. No matter how expensive it gets or how much money you DON'T have.
Are you saying that guys make more money than girls? Wait, we do.
Always do everything in your power to keep her as happy as you can. And cheer her up in any way possible.
Did someone say alcohol?
When walking on the sidewalk, always walk on the outside near traffic.
This originates from England in which buggies or coaches would pass on the street and splash mud on pedestrians. It is sourly outdated. I hope Micah walks next to the street, so he gets hit by a bus.
At least do everything in your power to keep cursing to a minimum while around her. If you can, cut it out period while around her, or cut it out of your vocabulary. Women don't want to hear it, guys don't care about it, adults don't want to hear it, it doesn't impress employers, and you sure won't want your children or someone else’s to hear it!
Fuck you! If a girl curses it’s a turn-on, like in a porno. “Fuck my fucking cunt with your fucking ten inch cock.”
Sometimes you have to take the initiative. Don’t always wait for her to come to you, because if that's how it always is you're going to lose her.
I assume you’re speaking from experience. You seem like a guy that has lost a lot of girls.
If any lady is walking alone to her car in a dark parking lot/garage, or is carrying a heavy load, always offer to help walk her to her destination and carry things, if not the entire load.
Once your at the car, feel free to say you need a ride down town. Don't take no for an anwser, you carried her bags after all.
If a woman says no, let that be her final answer. Do not pressure or force her in any way. Don't make her give in to something she doesn't want to do.
Did somone say alcohol?
Write her a poem or a song. Even if you aren't talented it’s the thought that counts.
It is the thought that counts. Unfortunately, her thought might be that you are a fagot.
Surprise her at work. It says allot to bring her dinner or a snack especially if she’s had a bad day.
Show up at her place of employment naked-that will surprise her. Or surprise her while she’s taking a shit.
If she's had a bad day, it sometimes feels better to be hugged than it does to be showered with kisses.
And it feels better to be fucked than it does to be hugged.
Its ok to smile every once in a while. It'll make her wonder what you're thinking about.
I’m thinking about fucking your sister.
Kiss her for no reason. It let's her know you're crazy about her.
And if you kiss her enough it lets her know you’re crazy.
A nice massage, but only if your close, otherwise it may seem a little uncomfortable and pushy.
A lot of girls have electric massagers, so you can use that on them. ( but not on their shoulders)
Know that there is a place and a time for most things. Try to know when these are. The bench in the mall is not the place to seduce her, as well as family gatherings.
If you’re seducing girls at family gatherings than social graces are the least of your problems.
Always be honest with her. No woman wants or likes a dishonest man. If you can't be honest with her she can't trust you, and shows you don't trust her enough to be honest. Trust, honesty and integrity are just as an integral part of a relationship and just as important as love.
Thanks Dr. Phil.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
My Funny Valentine
Last year I ran into a girl I knew from high school at a Valentine’s dance. After a minute or so of talking with her, she introduced me to her date, who was also girl. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to loosen up a little before Valentine’s Day dances, so I had been drinking heavily for about three and a half hours.
In a have drunken slur I said, “Cool, you brought your friend to the dance.”
The girl then made it a point to say, “No, this is my date. We’re on a date.”
This girl had always been a little boy crazy in high school, but had never seemed to have much luck with guys because there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make her look pretty. She had also always been a little weird and attention starved, so the fact that she would invent a lesbian relationship did not surprise me.
I imagined she would take great joy seeing my shocked face when she announced she was out of the closet. No doubt I would tell others from high school. She would be the talk of the college campus, when all the people from my high school would discuss her lesbian relationship. We would create elaborate rumors about all night pussy eating. The guys, who had once turned her down, would instantly become attracted to her, because after all just the mention of a lesbian relationship to a man will give him a painful three day erection, no matter how many times he masturbates. Yes, I imagined she would take great joy in announcing she was a lesbian, so I had no other option but to crush that joy.
“We’re on a date,” she repeated again.
“Yeah,” I said.
The trick was, I had to play it cool, as if I met lesbian couples everyday, as if everyone I’ve ever met was a lesbian, as if I’ve never met a non lesbian. As far as I was concerned, the entire room was full of lesbians. I shook my head and glanced from side to side as if I were bored with her and her fake lesbian date. The excitement faded from her eyes, and I excused myself to go home.
When I got back to my room, I felt a strange happiness for having crushed her spirit, but I felt like she had deserved it a little. I decided to celebrate my victory by watching some lesbian pornography. I downloaded a film from welivetogher.com, put on an Reliant K album, and went to town.
In a have drunken slur I said, “Cool, you brought your friend to the dance.”
The girl then made it a point to say, “No, this is my date. We’re on a date.”
This girl had always been a little boy crazy in high school, but had never seemed to have much luck with guys because there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make her look pretty. She had also always been a little weird and attention starved, so the fact that she would invent a lesbian relationship did not surprise me.
I imagined she would take great joy seeing my shocked face when she announced she was out of the closet. No doubt I would tell others from high school. She would be the talk of the college campus, when all the people from my high school would discuss her lesbian relationship. We would create elaborate rumors about all night pussy eating. The guys, who had once turned her down, would instantly become attracted to her, because after all just the mention of a lesbian relationship to a man will give him a painful three day erection, no matter how many times he masturbates. Yes, I imagined she would take great joy in announcing she was a lesbian, so I had no other option but to crush that joy.
“We’re on a date,” she repeated again.
“Yeah,” I said.
The trick was, I had to play it cool, as if I met lesbian couples everyday, as if everyone I’ve ever met was a lesbian, as if I’ve never met a non lesbian. As far as I was concerned, the entire room was full of lesbians. I shook my head and glanced from side to side as if I were bored with her and her fake lesbian date. The excitement faded from her eyes, and I excused myself to go home.
When I got back to my room, I felt a strange happiness for having crushed her spirit, but I felt like she had deserved it a little. I decided to celebrate my victory by watching some lesbian pornography. I downloaded a film from welivetogher.com, put on an Reliant K album, and went to town.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Technology is the Future
I once saw this art film (soft-core porn) where a scientist (soft-core porn actor with glasses and a lab coat) built a sex robot (hot chick with boob job). It was the greatest movie ever made! I liked it so much, I decided I would build my own sex robot. However, I quickly discovered that I know nothing about science or electronics. Instead of researching robotics or reading about artificial intelligence, I just decided to have sex with a microwave. My conclusions: Machines do not make for good lovers.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Oscar Sunday
Oscar Sunday sounds like the name of a mentally challenged man in his mid-thirties, who actively volunteers for his local high school football team, by cleaning and storing their equipment and regularly motivation the players. There is a similar man, who goes by the name or Radio. Really? Radio? Could you possible make him sound more homeless? A name like Oscar Sunday makes him sound disguised, as well as loveable.
Ah, but yes, today is Oscar Sunday. The academy of motion pictures will crown the years greatest achievements, and those watching could not be more bored. Face it, I love movies just as much as the next person, but the Oscars are dull as hell to watch. Sure, I will watch them, mostly because John Stewart is a funny guy and I think Ellen Page is a bangin' hottie. (Also, I'm pretty sure if Ellen Page weren’t famous, she would maybe almost go on a date with me)
That being said, here are my picks for Oscar Winners:
Best Picture-There Will Be Blood--or should I say, 'There will be Oscar' If you haven't seen this movie, then you should go watch it, or there will be blood on your face when I punch you.
Best Actor-Daniel Day Lewis --At the end of There will be Blood, Daniel Day Lewis says, "Okay, I'm finished...with not winning best actor."
Best Actress-Ellen Page--I haven't seen any of the other nominees' movies.
Best Supporting Actor-Javier Bardem--He scared the crap out of me in No County for Old Men. Actually, his hair cut scared the crap out of me, but his acting was good to. I wanted his character to die in the movie, but no such luck. (I would also like to say that Philip Seymour Hoffman did an amazing job in Charlie Wilson's War.)
Best Supporting Actress-Ruby Dee--In addition to having the coolest name ever, I enjoyed her very much in American Gangster. Plus, she's old, and old people deserve awards.
Best Director-P.T. Anderson--He does the work of two Cohen brothers combined.
Best Screenplay written for screen-Juno--I almost went with Ratatouille because it's difficult to make rats likeable, but it's even more difficult to make pregnant girls likable. (Yes, I like rats more than I like pregnant people)
Best Screenplay based of previous material-No Country for Old Men--The Cohen brothers considered changing the name to: No way you will understand this movie, especially if you are an old man.
Best Editing-Into the Wild--You get to see Emile Hirsch's penis. It's from a distance, and he's in cold water, but still pretty cool. For that reason alone, this movie deserves an award.
As for the rest of the categories, I don't care. I think Norbit should win for best make up, and 3:10 to Yuma should win for sound and music. I don't have a reason for why those movies should win, but I also don't have a reason for calling a grown man, Radio.
Ah, but yes, today is Oscar Sunday. The academy of motion pictures will crown the years greatest achievements, and those watching could not be more bored. Face it, I love movies just as much as the next person, but the Oscars are dull as hell to watch. Sure, I will watch them, mostly because John Stewart is a funny guy and I think Ellen Page is a bangin' hottie. (Also, I'm pretty sure if Ellen Page weren’t famous, she would maybe almost go on a date with me)
That being said, here are my picks for Oscar Winners:
Best Picture-There Will Be Blood--or should I say, 'There will be Oscar' If you haven't seen this movie, then you should go watch it, or there will be blood on your face when I punch you.
Best Actor-Daniel Day Lewis --At the end of There will be Blood, Daniel Day Lewis says, "Okay, I'm finished...with not winning best actor."
Best Actress-Ellen Page--I haven't seen any of the other nominees' movies.
Best Supporting Actor-Javier Bardem--He scared the crap out of me in No County for Old Men. Actually, his hair cut scared the crap out of me, but his acting was good to. I wanted his character to die in the movie, but no such luck. (I would also like to say that Philip Seymour Hoffman did an amazing job in Charlie Wilson's War.)
Best Supporting Actress-Ruby Dee--In addition to having the coolest name ever, I enjoyed her very much in American Gangster. Plus, she's old, and old people deserve awards.
Best Director-P.T. Anderson--He does the work of two Cohen brothers combined.
Best Screenplay written for screen-Juno--I almost went with Ratatouille because it's difficult to make rats likeable, but it's even more difficult to make pregnant girls likable. (Yes, I like rats more than I like pregnant people)
Best Screenplay based of previous material-No Country for Old Men--The Cohen brothers considered changing the name to: No way you will understand this movie, especially if you are an old man.
Best Editing-Into the Wild--You get to see Emile Hirsch's penis. It's from a distance, and he's in cold water, but still pretty cool. For that reason alone, this movie deserves an award.
As for the rest of the categories, I don't care. I think Norbit should win for best make up, and 3:10 to Yuma should win for sound and music. I don't have a reason for why those movies should win, but I also don't have a reason for calling a grown man, Radio.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Celebrity Hookups
In the past I've noticed that being a celebrity has its benefits. For instance David Spade would probably not be able to date Play Boy and Maxim models had he not made some film masterpieces as The Benchwarmers and Joe Dirt. Also, dating a celebrity brings you into a world of power and money. Why work your whole life, when you can just date a famous person? Sience I don't have anything better to do, I've decided I would like to date a celebrity. These are the top five celebrites I'm pretty sure I could hook up with:
1) The fat chick from Hairspray. Lets face it, she's not exactly going to hook up with co-star Zack Efron. Don't get me wrong, she would be really pretty if she lost a metric ton, but there isn't enough slim fast in the world. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she would date me. Also, I would love to motor boat those big ol' boobies, if they didn't beat me to death.
2)Rue McClanahan--She has been playing an old horny woman on t.v. for fifteen years, but chances are she wasn't acting. This old timer has got a flamin' red bush that is wild and unkeep (just the way I like it) There is only one way to put out that fire, and that's a golden shower for this golden girl.
3) Holly Hunter--I'm pretty sure Holly Hunter wouldn't actually hook up with me. I just thought she might be self concious because of the way she talks.
4) Just Shoot Me's Laura San Giacomo--Or as most guys call her, the Italian girl who you can't decide is hot or ugly. (All guys know what I'm talking about)
5)Betty Boop--The girl is a slut. Rumor has it she once went down on Yosemite Sam, while Elmer Fudd beat off to it.
1) The fat chick from Hairspray. Lets face it, she's not exactly going to hook up with co-star Zack Efron. Don't get me wrong, she would be really pretty if she lost a metric ton, but there isn't enough slim fast in the world. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she would date me. Also, I would love to motor boat those big ol' boobies, if they didn't beat me to death.
2)Rue McClanahan--She has been playing an old horny woman on t.v. for fifteen years, but chances are she wasn't acting. This old timer has got a flamin' red bush that is wild and unkeep (just the way I like it) There is only one way to put out that fire, and that's a golden shower for this golden girl.
3) Holly Hunter--I'm pretty sure Holly Hunter wouldn't actually hook up with me. I just thought she might be self concious because of the way she talks.
4) Just Shoot Me's Laura San Giacomo--Or as most guys call her, the Italian girl who you can't decide is hot or ugly. (All guys know what I'm talking about)
5)Betty Boop--The girl is a slut. Rumor has it she once went down on Yosemite Sam, while Elmer Fudd beat off to it.
Monday, January 28, 2008
New Post
It has been sometime since I have written for my blog. My life has changed considerably. I now have a job and have moved to the basement of my parents' house. If you don't believe God is a miracle worker, than look at me.
Anyway, I would like to ask all of my readers a question. When you were a little kid, did you think babies were born out of women's butts? I know I did. In fact, I didn't learn that babies came out of mommies' vagis until I was 13. Shortly after that time I learned what sex was and began writing yes please on all of my standardized tests that were asking me to mark male or female.
Just between you and I, I think that it makes more since for a baby to be born out a woman's booty. Unless, the baby got some type of doo-doo infection.
I think I'm going to start a foundation to start research on a way for babies to be delivered out of the butt. Sure, the money could go to curing Aids, or cancer, or restless leg syndrome. However, if you were to ask the wishes of a dieing aids victim, I'm sure they would say, "Dear God! If there is one thing that would put a smile on my face, even though I'm dieing a slow and extremely painful death, it would be a baby coming out a woman's ass. Don't take me from this God forsaking life before I get to view such a magnificent spectacle."
Also a point of interest is this posting on youtube.com:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jAeC9LgqQP0&feature=related
Anyway, I would like to ask all of my readers a question. When you were a little kid, did you think babies were born out of women's butts? I know I did. In fact, I didn't learn that babies came out of mommies' vagis until I was 13. Shortly after that time I learned what sex was and began writing yes please on all of my standardized tests that were asking me to mark male or female.
Just between you and I, I think that it makes more since for a baby to be born out a woman's booty. Unless, the baby got some type of doo-doo infection.
I think I'm going to start a foundation to start research on a way for babies to be delivered out of the butt. Sure, the money could go to curing Aids, or cancer, or restless leg syndrome. However, if you were to ask the wishes of a dieing aids victim, I'm sure they would say, "Dear God! If there is one thing that would put a smile on my face, even though I'm dieing a slow and extremely painful death, it would be a baby coming out a woman's ass. Don't take me from this God forsaking life before I get to view such a magnificent spectacle."
Also a point of interest is this posting on youtube.com:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jAeC9LgqQP0&feature=related
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