Halloween

Today is Halloween! Here are a few of things I would like to do today:

1) Walk up to a person who is not wearing a mask and say, “Hey, take off that mask. You’re scarring the kids.” This joke is always hilarious. Plus, it’s a good way to insult my grandma.
2) Give candy to a stranger’s kid. Once a year it is okay to feel like a pedophile.
3) Dress up in a costume. This year, I have decided to go as Napoleon Dynamite. I think it will be a pretty original costume. It’s such a low budget independent film, that I’m sure no one appreciates it as much as I do. I’d be willing to bet that no one has seen it more than six times, quoted the jokes, said that it is awesome because it has no plot, or dressed up like the main character.
4) Watch a scary movie. I really like scary Halloween movies. I think this year I’m going to rent, Ghost. I just hope I don’t get too excited when Whoopi Goldberg feels up Demi Moore.

5) Not go to church. Sorry God, today I workship the devil.

Yeast Infection

Today I saw an ad for a kit that women use to check if they have a yeast infection. I wanted to do my part for the medical community by providing a checklist that women can use along with these kits. Below is a questionnaire to insure that women have a yeast infection, and not another type of medical problem.

Your symptoms include burning and itching in your vagina, please check yes or no.

1. Do you have a cat in your vagina?
2. Are your panties made out of fiberglass?
3. Is your vagina allergic to anything? (Perhaps tampons, or your pubic hair)
4. Did you catch guanaria from your pulsing shower head?
5. Does your vagina have hemorrhoids?

If you answered no to the following questions, you probably have a yeast infection. Please test yourself using a kit and consult a doctor.

Sunday

Sunday is my day. You know what I mean? Like, you have a day of the week and that day is just your day. Nothing bad can happen on that day, because it is your day. Unfortunately, my day is on the same day a lot of people say is God's day, which is a little inconvenient for me. When people tell me that Sunday is for the Lord, I tell them that I disagree--because Sunday is for the T-man. Personally, I only give God one day of the week. That day is Wednesday. God can have that day, because quit rankly I hate that day. If it weren’t for that TV. show, Pushing Daisies, I wouldn't have a reason to live on Wednesday. You really shouldn't give God more than one day. I mean one day is really all God deserves. If God wanted more than one day, then that would be gluttonies, and that is one of the seven deadly sins. If you have a day of the week, you should tell people, that way they know not to take your day. Don't let anyone take your day. Not even God.

Weddings

I attended a wedding this weekend. It was wonderful, thanks for asking. Although, it would have been better, if I had been invited.

What I like most about weddings is the hope for true love. I believe that everyone is looking a person to marry, and if they say otherwise, then they're a liar. This one time a girl told me she was going to a wedding and then added, "not mine, I'm single and fabulous!" Really, you're fabulous with being single, cause that's not what your four cats told me. Deep down inside that girl was hoping to meet a guy at the wedding reception, but won’t because she'll have four glasses of wine, start crying and blow a snot bubble during her toast.

What I like least about weddings is having half the guest confuse you for your more successful brother.
"Hey, aren’t you in grad school?"
"No...No, that's my brother."
"Yeah, but aren’t you getting a masters degree in history?"
"No, that's still my brother."
"Didn't you go to China?"
"You're right, I didn't. Cause that was my bother."
"Well, what are you up to now?"
"I'm collecting unemployment, but enough about me, let's talk about you. What have you been up to? Obviously not minding your own business."

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Ah yes, blondes. How us men folk sure do love them. There's something about those strands of gold that just scream boner. Why is it that men prefer blondes? I have a few explanations.



1. Brutnets are gross. Their hair is the same color as poop. We might as well call them poop heads. If I see a brunet, I say, "go away ugly, I don't like your type."
VS.

2. Blondes are considered promiscuous and dumb. Pam Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Nancy Grace are all morons and they'll pretty much go down on any guy.

VS.

3. There is something mysterious about blondes. Men are left wondering what is down below.


VS.
Oooh, Courtny! Does the Carpet match the curtains?

Mucinex

In the past I have commented on Chucky Cheese using a Rat as a mascot. In fact, Chucky Cheese does not have the most disgusting mascot I’ve ever seen. The over the counter drug Mucinex broadcasts television advertisements that feature an animated glob of snot. He is officially the grossest mascot invented. The dialogue below is how I believe he was created.

How can we advertise Mucinex?--Ad executive 1

I know, how about a cartoon snot.--Ad executive 2

That sounds like a risky move, unless we make him look like a character from "A Street Car Named Desire."-- Ad executive 1

What could possible express the benefits of Mucinex more effectively than a cartoon snot? I don’t know, maybe a spokes person, or actor who pretends to have congestion. Viagra uses actors, who pretend to be horny. Why can’t Mucinex use an actor? Mucinex, you are gross and racist against Polish people who lived in the 40s.

Biblical Humor

In order to appeal more to my Christian readers, I’ve decided to start writing biblical humor. The problem is, I’m not very talented at writing biblical humor. The following is a list of bad biblical jokes. I hope you enjoy them.

1. God spoke to be from a burning bush. I should have been paying attention, but I had a Liza Minelli song stuck in my head.

2. Jonah was swallowed by a whale, but that whale got diarrhea because Jonah was Mexican.

3. Joseph had a coat of many colors that his brother stole. My brother also had a coat of many colors that I wanted to steal, but then I found out it was a Members Only jacket.

4. Jesus pooped his pants. When the disciples saw it, they said, “Holly Shit.”

The Sandbox

Today I'm celebrating the invention of the sandbox, or as I like to call it, the place where fat kids spend recess. The sandbox is a great invention. Kids can pretend to be vacationing at the beach, or lost in the dessert, or that they're cats taking a piss in a litter box.

I find the sandbox to be pretty useless. You just kind of sit there. Isn't that being a little lazy?

In all honesty I don't know why I'm celebrating the sandbox today. I don't know when it was invented, or who it was invented by. I'd like to think Thomas Jefferson built the first sandbox as a gift to Ohio, after they were admitted to the union, but there is really no way of proving that. When you think about it, it makes perfect since. The sandbox is a worthless piece of playground equipment, Ohio is a worthless state. The two go hand in hand.

I do know that sometimes sandboxes are sometimes called sandpits. Sandpits sound alot more dangerous than sandboxes. I shudder to think of a world where children play in sandpits.

"Hey kids, go play in the sandpit. I hope you never come back! Say, while you're at it go throw those glass bottles at each other. Go ahead and knife fight with those rusty nails, they won't hurt. Candy is good for you and there are no consequences to your actions!"

Rather you call them a sandbox or a sandpit, the next time you see a group of kids playing in one, remember they are the future chain smokers of America.

Library Porn

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Degrassi: The Next Generation

Today, I watched an episode of the Canadian produced television series, Degrassi: The Next Generation. (Do you remember the other great television shows that Canada has provided us? Yeah, me neither.)

Anyway, the tagline for the series is: Degrassi, 100% intense. Let me tell you, they are not kidding!

Today on the show, the character Manny (Cassie Steelle) was breaking up with her boyfriend J.T.(Ryan Cooley) because she had become interested in Craig (Jake Epstein).

At this moment in the episode, J.T. has been depantsed at a hot tube party in front of Manny, who grimices at the site. During the depantsing, a character off-screen refers to J.T.'s penis as, "a stack of dimes." J.T. later sees Craig’s pee-pee in the locker room, and believes Manny is showing interest in Craig because of his size. The following is dialogue between Manny and J.T. (I should tell you that I am only paraphrasing, but none the less hope to express the inner anguish of the conflict that was so eloquently portrayed on screen.)

Craig has something I don't have.-J.T.

Yeah, its called maturity. Your always goofing around, and farting.-Manny

Wow. Thank you Degarassi: The Next Generation. You cut to the inner core of the human experience. Honestly, you make Dr. Martin Luther King and Gandhi look like babbling hobos. There is truly no need to read the Bible after you have heard the words of J.T. and Manny. I can now honestly say that I have no fear of dieing because of their inspiration. Degrassi is 100% intense, but also 100% poetic.

www.ctv.ca/mini/degrassi2006/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Degrassi:_The_Next_Generation

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0288937/

Player

Earlier this week a gentleman asked me, "What's up player?"

I didn't know what a player was, so I did some research on the internet. It turns out players are just black guys from 1996.

You see, these gentlemen really like to play, so much so, that they started calling themselves "players".

I cannot specify enough that they really like to play. I mean, really like to play. If they could be a recess 24 hours a day-7 days a week, they would.

Unfortunately, players can't play all the time, that’s why they created the term, "I ain't playin'."
However, I should warn you that about 78.4% of the time a player says he ain't playin', he actually is playing.

In the words of Dr. Dre in the song, No Diggity, I say "Play on Player...play on."

Hayden Panettiere: The Love Affair

Hayden Panettiere-the little girl from Alley McBeal and Remember the Titans is all grown up. (And not a moment too soon) If you thought she was hot then, you should see her know! The following story is how I came to fall in love with her.

I was sitting at home, (And by at home, I mean my parents' basement) when I realized that I live with my parents, don't have a girlfriend, and own a surprising large amount of Adam's Family collectables. For the first time in my life I realized that I am a nerd. Feeling depressed, I went to masturbate to an episode of Star Track Deep Space Nine. When I turned on the television, I saw a blond girl in an ad for Neutrogena face wash. All I can say is, that if the goal of Neutrogena is to give consumers a giant bonner, then mission accomplished.

"Bored? Go wash your face," she said.

"How did she know I had acne?" I thought to myself.

I fell instantly in love with her. She made me want to wash my face. Even more, I wanted to wash her face, right after I licked it. She made me want to do a lot of other things, like pee in my pants or developed an eating disorder. (What can I say; love makes you do crazy things.)

I googled her name and found she was the star of Heroes, a show coming on later that night. Naturally, I watched. Ever since then, I've been hooked. I can't get enough Heroes. I don't actually follow the story line, or know any of the other character's names, but she is great.

I'm going to Boston next week to meet her at a comic book convention. We'll probably share a few laughs over the fan letters I sent her with pictures of my wiener.

You may be thinking that I have no chance with her, that there will be a thousand other comic book nerds there to swoon over her, and that she’s never read a single one of my letters. But I believe that we have something special. I also believe that dreams do come true, and when people tell me they don't, I tell them about Roody.

http://www.hayden-panettiere.com/
http://haydenp-fan.net/
http://www.nbc.com/Heroes/

Goggles

I find it amazing that goggles fit the same on all ethnicities. You know whom I’m talking about. They have a game of checkers named for them. I’m specifically talking about all oriental swimmers, and not just ninjas. Their eyes are slanted. Yet, their eyes are still protected by the same goggles that protect the round eyes of a white, colored, or Mexico man. If I owned a goggle making company I would make two types of goggles. One make of goggle would be only for round eyes, the other for slanted. Just for being different, I would charge Orientals twice as much.

Chuck E. Cheese

Chuck E. Cheese-Why do you have such a disgusting mascot? You could have chosen anything. You choose a rat--a rat with pubic hair for whiskers. Let’s think for a minute. What could be a better mascot? How about Charles Manson or a bear taking a dump on a tiger’s face? Seriously, a rat! What was your second choice- a tampon? At least then you could say, “Have a bloody good time at Chuck E. Cheese.”

http://www.chuckecheese.com/

3:10 to Yuma

3:10 to Yuma, directed by James Mangold (Kate and Leopold), is a new film playing in theaters across the nation. The movie stars Russell Crowe (Breaking Up) and Christian Bale (Anastasia: The Mystery of Anna). The film co-stares Ben Foster (Breakfast with Einstein), Logan Lerman (Jack and Bobby) and Peter Fonda (Dance of the Dwarfs). A strong performance is also given by Luke Wilson (Scream 2, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde) in his cameo appearance as Zeke.

Roger Ebert writes of the film, "...restores the wounded heart of the Western and rescues it from the morass of point-less violence." However, I could not disagree more. The major flaw in the film is that it avoids major themes of other classical westerns. I have listed the themes below

1. Time Travel—Back to the Future Three was one of the greatest westerns of all time. They didn’t care if Deloreans didn’t exist in the 1800s, they said we’re putting it in the film and that’s final.

2. Gay Sex.—Brokeback Mountain had a tone of guy on guy action. They didn’t care if gay sex didn’t exist in the mid-1960’s, they said we’re putting it in the film and that’s final.

3. A Bad Story Line—If you’ve ever seen the movie Maverick, you understand that this one speaks for itself.

4. Mexican stereotypes—The Three Amigos wasn’t afraid to show Mexicans as they really are-dirty people who have trouble speaking English.

5. John Wayne’s bulge—Rather it is Stagecoach, She wore a Yellow Ribbon, or The Searchers, you’re guaranteed to see John Wayne’s dong through his pants. Audiences are left saying, "Thank you. Can I have seconds?"


Nice try 3:10 to Yuma, but you ultimately fall short as a Western.

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070906/REVIEWS/709060305

http://imdb.com/

Yosemite Sam

This one time, I heard a drunk guy yell, "Yosemite Sam is a bastard!"

That's all I heard of the conversation the gentleman was having with himself, but those words have left a lasting impression on me, that in all liklyhood will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Indeed, Yosemite Sam in not an admirable person. The guy is just plain mean. When you consider the man is an Irish cowboy dawf, you realize that he is degrading to both Yosemite National Park and cowboys everywhere.

However, I feel it necessary to point out the positive of Yosemite Sam.

In an artilce on Wikipedia, the author points out that, "Though officially a cowboy, Freleng put Sam in a different costume in almost every film: a knight, a Roman legionary, a pirate, a royal cook, a prison guard, a duke (Duke of Yosemite, no less), a Confederate soldier, and even a space alien."(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yosemite_Sam)

As you can see Yosemite Sam, as an actor, is not just limitted to playing one type of bastard, but rather many different types of bastard roles. In fact he is so good at playing bastards, Yosemite is now tight cast as a bastard.

In recent years, Yosemite has tried to break away from his persona. He auditioned for the Jake Gyllenhaal role in Broke Back Mountaion. Rumor has it that director Ane Lee was impressed by Yosemite's use of his signature yell of, "Oooooh," after me burt himself on Heath Ledger's dick.

I write this to encourage everybody not to judge Mr. Sam. Next time you see him on a mud flap, give him a wink and smile, and remeber that he's not so bad after all.

Kid Nation

Kid Nation is a show on CBS. The show posses the question, what would happen if kids ruled the world. What do you think it would be like? I’m guessing a lot like Lord of the Fucking Flies.
I’ve caught the first few episodes, and the show doesn’t have much to offer, unless you’re a pedophile. First off, none of the contestants have hooked up, yet. I don’t know why, those girls on the show are hot! They didn’t make them like that when I had braces. I don’t know why those guys don’t get on some of that. It’s almost like they haven’t even gone through puberty yet. Perhaps no one has hooked up because they don’t drink any alcohol on the show. What are they living in Bethlehem or something? Apparently if kids ruled the world, everyone would be a Puritan.
I’m going to keep watching Kid Nation in hopes that the kids will age a few years and start attending Bay Side High School. The last crew that went to that school didn’t drink or have sex either, but damn they were cool.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/

Burt and Ernie Gay?

I was recently asked if Burt and Ernie were gay. Of course Burt and Ernie are not gay. They have a fist up their ass, but they’re not gay. I mean if Bert were gay, he would probably wax his unibrow, or his massive amount of pubic hair. Burt and Ernie are just roommates. What actually happened is Burt had to take a crap, and accidentally walked in on Ernie jacking-off. The worst part was; Ernie was using the rubber ducky.
You’ve heard that song he sings, “Rubber Ducky you’re the one. Oh, don’t you like it when I cum.” Anyway, Bert told Elmo about what he saw, and Elmo told everyone they were gay. The next thing you know, Grover is telling kids that the letter, H, is for homosexuals.

Fired

I was fired recently. I don’t know why. One minute you’re the employee of the month. The next, you’re the guy who exposed himself. It turns out, that’s not what the copier was used for. Thank you, I now know that.

My boss called me in to his office; this is the conversation we had:

“I’m going to have to fire you”-Boss

“Why”-Me

“I saw your penis”-Boss

“I’ve looked at every guys penis here at the urinal. None of them are being fired! I was just returning the favor. Show me yours, I’ll show you mine. Let’s just slow down here! I mean I think you’re really to blame here, cause one time-one time I watched you poo- poo and that’s way worse than what I did!”-ME

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave the building.”-Boss

“Ok. I’ll leave. I’ll walk right out that door…but I’m never watching you poo-poo again. So, just think about that.”-Me

The C Word

Why is it that girls like the word cute so much? How is it that the same word can be talking about a puppy and the outfit she is wearing? Is she saying her outfit is made out of puppies?
I don’t even know what the word cute means. In fact, I’ve never even used the word cute, unless I’m mocking the word cute.
Don’t get me wrong; I think it is great when a girl tells another girl she looks cute. I just can’t tell another guy he looks cute. I mean, I may want to, but I can’t.
You never hear a guy telling another guy, “You look really cute today. No, your hair is perfect, and that Bud Light shirt-nice choice my man. The nacho cheese stain really brings out your eyes, and complements the seamen stain on your pants.”
Now that I think about it, cute probably means anything that isn’t gross. Since all guys are gross, we choose not to use the word.

Diabetes Damp

Why do they have special summer camps for kids with diabetes? I’m told it is because they want to feel “normal” for a week. So, all of a sudden a medical condition that millions of people have is considered “abnormal.” They check their insulin!?! That is so weird! What are they, a Frankenstein? I hope one of them doesn’t get my butt pregnant! Maybe we should throw rocks at people with diabetes, since they are such freaks of nature.
How about we start a camp for people who like Nickel Back? Those people are pretty weird. They would probably like to feel normal for a week. Do you remember what they used to call diabetes camp? Oh yeah, they called it fat camp.

http://www.diabetes.org/communityprograms-and-localevents/diabetescamps.jsp

My thoughts on being unemployed and cat people

I got fired recently. When you are fired people always feel sorry for you. I’ve noticed that when people feel sorry for you, they like to ask you stupid questions. I’ll give you an example.

I say, “I got fired.”

They respond with, “You were fired from your job?”

I like to respond by saying, “Fired from my job…No, my cat fired me. Yeah, in retrospect, I had it coming. I didn’t change his litter box, or feed him, or file his tax returns.”

There’s something strange about people who love cats. These people like to talk about their cats like they are real people.

They’ll say things like, “My cat is crazy. No, really. My cat is crazy. I swear to God she is half nuts.”
Really? Your cat is half nuts? Are you sure you’re not?

Others like to bring their cats to places like baseball games. These people wonder why you didn’t bring your cat to the game.

“Ah, excuse me, where is Mr. Whiskers tonight?”

“Oh, he’s at home reading a Jimmy Buffet novel. Yeah, once he gets started, it’s hard to pull him away. Jimmy Buffet is his passion! He owns all of his CDs.”

For me personally, I don’t like cats, except for when I’m kicking them in the face. I also don’t like people asking me if I was fired from my job. I kind of figured the words fired and job just went together, kind of like cats and baseball games.