Magic Coat

I have a magic coat. I mean magic, and not just Johnson. When I put this coat on, I become a new man. People look at me differently when they see me in this coat. When I say they look at me differently, I don't mean like the way you look at someone differently after you find out they are a porn addict. (Believe me, I've gotten that look many times) I mean, they look at me in a good way.
They're like,

"Who is that guy? I would date him, if I was sure he wasn't my boss."

Just kidding. They know I'm not their boss, but they think I could easily become their boss because I'm wearing such a nice coat.

When people see me in this coat they say,

"What I would give to be that guy! I If only I could wear his coat; it would take me away from the cold shallow depressing life I live right now."

At this point you probably want to try on my coat, but I'm not going to let you. I let President Bush try on my coat once, but it is because he threatened to deport me.

Man Crushes

Urban dictionary user arth defines a man crush as:
Man crush is a very strong feeling that one straight man has for another, bordering on the romantic but not the sexual. It's love allright but not the love that makes you want to get into his pants. It can be stronger than the love between a man and a woman. (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Man+Crush&defid=584425)

Based on that definition, I have a few man crushes of my own. Here are my top five in no particular order:

1. James Franco-Lets face it, the man is beautiful. I sat through the complete hour and a half of Never been Kissed just to watch him. Drew Barrymore may have been the one that gave me the erection, but it didn't go away when he came on screen.

2. Jimmy Fallon-By far the best looking SNL alum. Not only is he handsome, but he is also funny after 12 beers. I sat through the entire hour and twenty seven minutes of Taxi. Queen Latifah may have been the one who gave me the erection, but you know the rest.

3. Michael J. Fox-(Also known as Michael Gay Fox) I mostly like him because we are the same height. I wouldn't have to look up at him when we kissed. Also, if Teen Wolf is any indication, he's probably a real animal in the bedroom.

4. Josh Groban-He is the only man alive less masculine than I am. He is the object of every preadolescenent girls desire, and also the object of my desire.

5. Pauly Shore-Every girl, rather they want to admit it or not, had a crush on him when they were younger. I don't want to admit it either, but I also have a crush on him. And if Son-in-Law is any indication, he's probably super annoying in the bedroom.

Magic Johnson

Magic Johnson--The only thing magic about his Johnson is its ability to give you aids.

The real hot girl sitting next to me at the computers in the library

Today at the library, this real hot girl was sitting next to me at the computers, so I decided I would write a blog entry about her entitled The real hot girl sitting next to me at the computers in the library.
I was hoping she would see me writing the blog entry and say, "Hey, why are you writing about me!"
Then I would say, "Why are you looking at my computer? Is it because you were interested in what I had on my computer, because she wanted to make small talk with me because you want me to ask you out on a date to Red Lobster?"
Then she would get all embarrassed and say, "No."
Then I would act all smooth and ask her out and she would say yes.
However, she didn't notice what I was typing. She did however turn her head my direction and sneeze into her hand. I decided I to cough real loud so that perhaps she would look my way and also notice that I suffer from illnesses of the human body. I couched real loud, but it didn't work.
Next, I tried yelling, "What's this on my computer!" However, she had put her Ipod earphones in, and could not here me.
I scrambled to think of something to grab her attention, but she left before I would think of anything. Fortunately, I copied her e-mail address when she wasn't looking. I'll send her a copy of this entry. Checkmate, my friends; checkmate.

Alumni News

Today I received an e-mail from my this place I graduated from 6 months ago called the University of Tennessee. Contained in the e-mail was the e-torch alumni news letter. I didn't have any thing else better to do, so I decided to read it. This is a copy of one of the articles in the newsletter:

Each year the alumni association recognizes the contributions of alumni chapters throughout Tennessee and the nation. These enthusiastic groups provide unique programming that shares the great things happening at UT with their local community.In addition to annual meetings, many chapters do community service projects and host TV-viewing parties or special activities such as attending performing arts events or visiting museums. Two of the many interesting programs this year were “Design Nashville: How UT is Reshaping Music City” at the Nashville Civic Design Center, presented by the Davidson County Chapter, and “The DaVinci Code: Fact or Fiction?” presented by the Central Florida and Tampa Bay Chapters. Congratulations to all of the UTNAA Alumni Chapter Award Winners for 2006-2007!

Chapters that won the gold award included chapters from Atlanta, Birmingham, Tampa Bay, and Houston, just to name a few. However, I didn't see the unemployed and living with your parents chapter among the winners. As one of the only members of this distinguished chapter, I would like to say that I am outraged! I have conducted annual meetings. These meeting are private meetings, which take place in the bathroom. In fact, I've been know to conduct these meetings up to three or four times a day. Some of my interesting programs include watching Saved by the Bell, going to the Applebee’s' bar at noon, being kick ass, writing this blog, whistling at high school girls from my car, growing a mustache, and fixing dinner for my mom. As for Community Service, I like to drive by the mall where all the high school rift raff hand out and yell, "Hey faggot." That way, they know that they are gay, and won't hang around the mall any more. It usually makes me feel a lot better about myself after I degrade them.
I am making it my personal goal to make sure that the unemployed living with your parents district is awarded a gold award in 2008. We don't get the respect we deserve. I choose to be unemployed and live with my parents. The same way George Bush chooses to be the President or Rosie O'Donnel chooses to be a fat lesbian. We may lack ambition, or the ability to over come our substance abuse, but we are people too. We will not be overlooked. Victory is ours!

http://pr.utk.edu/etorch/2007/12/chapters.shtml

Car/Child/Booster Seats

Lately, I noticed alot of kids riding in car seats. When I was a child, I didn't ride in a car seat. Of course, my family immigrated here from Palestine, and weren't able to afford a car until 1995. Even then we didn't ride in the car much because my father was the only one who knew how to drive, and he was drunk most of the time. Plus the car was an 84 Taurus, which let's face it, just screams loser.

Anyway, I decided to do some research on car seats. State governments require children to ride in car seats based on height, weight, and age restrictions. Many also require seats called booster states, which are a bigger version of car seats. States such as Kansas, Missouri, and Washington require children to be over 57 inches tall and weigh over 80 pounds, or 18 years old before they leave their booster seat. Other states such as Florida and Arizona don't give a shit about kid's safety. (You only have to be over 5 years old to leave your booster seat) Florida and Arizona also encourage kids to eat glass and talk to 38 year old men they met on myspace.com.

I personally didn't weigh over eighty pounds until I was in the sixth grade. Partly because I immigrated from Palestine, but mostly because I ate nothing but laxities until I was 9 years old. Can you imagine being in fifth grade and still having to ride in a car seat? They may call them booster seats, but its not going to boost their self confidence. Not having to ride in a car seat would be an incentive to become obese. Of course, becoming fat right before you enter middle school in not the smartest idea in the world. (To all the seventh grade girls out there with eating disorders, I would suggest using laxities. Also, don't worry, one of these days after your awkward phase; boys will think you are pretty. And by pretty, I mean pretty skinny)

I also wonder about midgets, or as they like to be called, little people. Do they always ride in a car seat? Do they drive in a car seat? What if you saw a midget driving in a car seat with a plastic steering wheel, and a horn that made a noise like a cow? I would probably laugh.

http://www.elitecarseats.com/custserv/custserv.jsp?pageName=car_seat_laws

Snowflakes

No snowflake is shaped the exact same-- In no way has that fact been, or will ever be interesting. In fact, I would say that fact is the most unintersting fact of all time. I curse my first grade teacher for ever teaching it to me. For some reason every one I know loves to quote this fact everytime it snows. When Al Gore released, An Inconvenant Truth, and declared that the world was under the attack of global warming, I said good-because I hate it when it snows. Everyone walks around like they're Stephen Hawking, spouting a fact that everyone already knows and really dosn't care about. (Of course, I guess he dosen't actully walk) Anyway, the next time you here someone say, "no two snow flakes are shaped the exact same way", you should punch them is the ass--Do it for the kids, and also for the snowflakes.

Gloomy Gus

Today while looking through widipedia.com I came across an interesting facts I would like to share with you:
There was once a comic book titled, "Gloomy Gus, the homeless ghost, and his angelic sidekick." I don't know what Gus looked like, but I imagine he looked kind of like the homeless guy in this picture. I should note that most ghost are white, unlike the man above. However, black homeless men are just as scary a most ghosts. (I should know. I'm sitting next to one right now in the library. He's so scary, he made me crap my pants...no, wait that's his natural smell.)

There was no article about this comic book, and when I searched the name on google I found a picture of Casper the friendly ghost having intercourse with Jenna Jamenson. (She really has been with everyone-expect for Yogi Bear, who refused to eat her vagina because it in no way resembles a picnic basket).

Anyway, I'm guessing the Gloomy Gus comic book was short lived because people realized that ghost can live wherever the hell they want. There is no such thing as a homeless ghost. If a homeless guy died and came back as a ghost, he wouldn't stay homeless. He doesn't like to take dumps in city parks. Didn't Gus realize he was invisible and could fly? That sounds like a licence to be badass. If I were a ghost, I think I would haunt the playboy machine. I would fly around the house saying, "Boo, boo, boobies."

And that's my cue:

During this past week, there has been a backlash aginst John Fitzgerld Page for the comments he sent a women on the dating site match.com. It seems as though every blogger in the country has made a comment about this gentlemen, and sience I am a blogger; I am no exception.

For those of you who don't know the story, John recieved a message from a women known as Jen, saying something to the effect that she was interested in him based on his profile. John then sent the women a series of questions he uses to weed out women he is not interested in dating. Here is that message,

I live in a 31 story high rise condominium, right in the middle of the Buckhead nightlife district. Do you ever come to this area of town to shop/go out/visit/explore?
I went to an Ivy League school - the University of Pennsylvania - for my undergraduate degree in economics and my graduate degree in management (Wharton School of Business). Where did you go to school?
What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds - what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact...
I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for Limited Brands (Bath & Body Works, Victoria's Secret, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?
Do you have any other recent pictures you care to share? I have many others if you care to see them.
Regards,
John

Ok, so the guy thinks alot of himself. But, he did appologize if he sounded rude. No harm, no foul. After all, he just wants to make sure he is not being deceived. However, the the women then sent him an automatic responce provided by match.com that says,

" Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search! Our Portraits didn't match on: A. Personality"

At this point John decides to become a cry baby bitch and write,

I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!
So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!
Regards,
John

And that's my cue:
John, I know you've heard this a million times but you are a bag of douche. You work out at LA Fitness? Are you sure it’s not L gay fitness? By the way masturbating in the locker room doesn't count as working out. Oh, I'm a crybaby bitch. She hit on me first! Ah, boo hoo. Yeah, and I'm guessing she was drunk when she did it. I'm a real catch. Yeah, that’s why you need a website to get a girl friend. You live in the heart of the night life my man. Why can't you find a girl there? Also, how do you hit on someone on match.com? I don't understand how someone can hit on you on the internet. One time an old guy sent me a picture of his dick on line, but then again, I did ask for him to send it. What was that guys name again? Oh yeah, it was John Fitzgerld Page.
8.9 on hotornot.com. What are you in seventh grade? How can any self respecting adult put a picture of themselves on hotornot.com? I can't think of any other group of people that has as many tools as hotornot.com...oh wait, Mensia. I drive a beemer.
Yeah, 1997 called, they want their lingo back. 14 motion pictures! Which movie, Loser, or 40-year old virgin? You meant to say you were a glorified extra in some independent films shot in Atlanta. How ever did you accomplish that feat? Look out Mark Wahelberg, John may steal your role in the Brazilin Job, or more likely John will give you a hand job in Brazil. I noticed you played the role of Lovestruck doofus in Beauty Shop. I'm guessing that wasn't much of a stretch for you. You were also in Diary of a Mad Black Women. Siskel and Ropert gave that two thumbs down, mostly because you were in it.
Its cool that you are a model. Unfortunately, you look like Will Ferell had sex with a retarded Ben Affleck. I will give you one free training session. One free training session-What are you Asian? I will give you one free fourtune cookie.
John refuses to apologize for the message he sent to this women, but sometimes you just have to admit you were in the wrong. So, for all homosexuals, film extras, the mentally handicaped, hotornot.com members and staff, Mensia members, BMW owners, Tyler Perry, Will Ferell, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahelberg, Siskel and Ropert, people of Asian ethnicities, and John Fitzgerld Page, I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.

A Trip to Hollywood Video: An Embarrassingly True Story.

I took a trip to Hollywood Video earlier this week. Not sure what to rent, I decided to walk the store, until I found a film that jumped out at me. Here were my thoughts:
"Huh, Evan Almighty is out on DVD that looks like a movie I don't want to watch."
"Maybe I could rent Wild Hogs, or I could just save my money and jab a pencil in my eye."
"If I could rent any type of movie, what would it be? Oh, yes...porno."

The problem was, I wasn't sure if Hollywood Video rented porno. I looked around for an adult’s only section, but couldn't find one. I went into a back room in the back, but it turns out, it was just an employee’s only room.
"You aren’t allowed back here," a fat ass worker barked.
"I didn't want to come back here anyway," I said. (I guess I showed him)

After I exited the back room I noticed a section called, Special Interest.

"Porno is a special interest," I thought. I decided to check it out. Unfortunately, all I found was Anima and Michael Moore documentaries. Anima is sometimes pornographic, but I don't masturbate to cartoons. (Except for that girl from Who framed Roger Rabbit, and occasionally the cartoon fox from Robin Hood. What? For a cartoon fox, she is pretty hot.)

Continuing for my quest from porn, I checked the foreign films section, for a French sex movie. Unfortunately, I couldn't read any of the words on the boxes. I found one movie that like it would have a lot of sex and nudity in it, but I'm pretty sure it was an all guy cast.

At this point, I was beginning to give up. I decided to find the closest thing I could find to porno the store had, a drama that is rated NC-17. While looking through found a movie with a former Maximum model, which plays a detective. It was rated R for strong sexual scenes. I almost rented it, but decided I could do better. Next, I found Show Girls, rated NC-17 for nudity. Unfortunately, it stars Jessie from, Saved by the Bell. I've never thought she was hot. I honestly think I'd rather see Screech naked. (Of course, I have seen Screech naked in his sex video...and it is foul. I mean, just truly foul.)

Anyway, just as I was ready to give up, I found Hidden Beauties: The Awakening, an un-rated film. The back of the box read, "When Judy Isherwood and her Brother Eddie discover three beautiful women locked in an ancient slumber-hidden deep in the dungeon of their newly inherited English castle, they wake each beauty with a kiss. As the spell is broken, they soon find that they have also awakened a century of pent-up passion!"

That's right folks, this was grade-A, late 90s soft core porn!

As I was getting ready to pick up the box, a couple walked by and stood beside me. I didn't want to pick up the movie while they were next to me, so I pretended to look at random movies, while they had a conversation about some guy, the man worked with.

"What they hell are these people doing, standing beside me and talking? Can't they just pick up their damn movie?" I thought.

After a couple of minutes, I moved to the Television section. As soon as I left, they picked up their movie and went to pay. Why they couldn't do that when I was standing there, I don't know. Unless they were renting soft-core porn. While I was in the Television section, I picked up a copy of the first season of Extras. This way, I wouldn't just be renting porno. Plus, maybe if the cashier saw the copy of Extras, they would think I was an intellectual, who appreciated different forms of entertainment, and not just a pervert.

When I went back to snag Hidden Beauties, I noticed their were two copies. I grabbed the second one because the picture was smaller on the box, so maybe less people in the store would notice it. The box also said edition on it. I couldn't see the word before edition because of the Hollywood Video sticker on it. I assumed it said Collector's Edition.

(As a side note, whenever you touch one of these boxes, be sure to wash your hands. You know what people have been doing when they watch these kinds of movies)

When I went to the cashier, I noticed there was a stacked girl working the cash register. You have two options at this point. Put the Hidden Beauties DVD underneath the Extras DVD, which says, "I am a scared pervert, please don't tell anyone I'm renting this."-or-You can put the porno on the top and say, "Yeah, I'm watching this, you wanna join me?"

I decided to go with option one, and put the porno on top. Unfortunately, after I did this, the fat guy from the back room came up front and told me he could ring up my order. He took a double take when he saw the cover. I'm guessing he was wishing he was taking the DVD home.

Once I got outside I looked at the side of the box and noticed that this was not a Collector's Edition, but a Limited Edition. Limited Edition? What did this mean? Did it mean there was only a limited number made? This couldn't be, there were two copies just in Hollywood Video. Limited Edition must have meant that this copy had limited content. I didn't want this. I thought about going back in the store and exchanging it for the other copy, but decided that would just be embarrassing. I hung my head and went home.

Don't be disappointed readers, once I got home, I found that the DVD doesn’t have any content missing. It is full of soft-core fun. That’s right, Soft-core porn-all the sex of hard core porn, minus the penetration.

Facebook Applications

I found a new Facebook application that allows others to rank your appearance based on your photo. The application is provided through hotornot.com There are currently 800,000 users of this application. They truly are an army of tools.
For all of those people who have added this application, I give you a middle schooler out of 10. AFcheer32 told me I shouldn't be "hatin" cause her "bu" plays football and will kick my ass, but get a mother f***ing life. There's a name for guys who try to find hotties on Facebook, their called members of the clergy.
Facebook was started for college students, and now we've let the rift raff in. For instance, there is an application that promotes graffiti. What's next, an application that promotes food stamps? I'm also not a huge fan of the top friends application. Anyone who knows me knows that if I'm nice to you, I probably just want to sleep with you. That could be a good application, top friends I want to sleep with. How about an application for people you don't know, who add you as friends. We'll call it the strangers application. I think I'll invite Mark Wahlberg, I've never met him. After I've added him as a stranger, I can rank him a 10.

Suzanne Somers

As much as I wanted to bone her while she was on Step by Step, I think I've lost my desire for Suzanne Somers. She may have lost her cellulite, but she also lost her dignity. TRY IT FREE-they meant Suzanne Somers

I may occasionally take a peek of her camel toe on a rerun of Threes Company, or Candid Camera, but I don't think I will be very turned on by her.

e-mail

Today I checked my e-mail five times, but never got a new e-mail. It was a madening experience. I punched my cat in the face. I wish I haden't done that. What can I say, I just really wanted an e-mail. Would it kill someone to try to sell me a penis pill? I get spam everyday of the year including my birthday, but no messages today. To make myself feel better I sent myself an e-mail, unfortunatlly it was a gay joke about me.

Anjelah Johnson: The Love Story

I have found a new lady love. This is how it happened:

I was flipping the channels last night on the television, when I came across a girl performing her standup act. Instantly, I was intrigued. You don't see many women stand-ups, but most of them are really funny. My favorite is Rosie O'Donnell. I rented a copy of her early work and turned down the volume. Then my friend and I made fat jokes about her, while we watched. It was hilarious. We would have ordered pizza, but we lost our appetites after looking at her.
(Seriously, most women comedians are funny. My real favorites are Rosanne Barr, Ellen Degeneres, and Kathy Griffin.)
Anyway, I saw this new girl doing stand-up and she was hilarious! She was also really hot! I couldn't believe my eyes. I am in love with her. No, not the type of love where I saw her one time on TV. and developed an unhealthy obsession with her love. Like, the real love. The love where I hang out with her and smell her hair.
There's only one problem. She's a new cast member on Madtv. Madtv, more like Badtv. Why don't you just get a job on Two and a Half Men? I would rather watch an episode of Touched by an Angle, or set myself on fire. Literally the only time I watch that show is by mistake, and then I cut my wrist with glass shards for making that mistake.
The Madtv thing is only a small problem. I'm sure we can work it out once we are married. I haven't asked her, I'm still working up the courage to add her as a friend on myspace.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YJtVAbGU2k&NR=1

Imitations

This one time I was on this stage telling jokes. At least I think I was telling jokes; there were a lot of people laughing at me. Although, I've had a lot of people laugh at me before, without telling any jokes. Like this one time when I had chocolate on my teeth and no one told me, and I just kept asking "What’s so funny?" Then I laughed like I knew what they were laughing at, which only made them laugh harder.
Anyway like I said before, I was on stage making people laugh.
A lady in the crowd asked, "Do you do any imitations."
"What," I asked.
"Do you do any imitations," she repeated.
"No, I heard you. That was my imitation of a deaf person." I said.

It was a pretty funny moment, but not a great imitation. I think if I were really good at imitations, I would imitate Mark Wahlberg. That way I could have sex with a bunch of Maximum Models and extras from Entourage. I think I'll start working on my imitation right now.

Dream

I keep having a reoccuring dream, where I get in a car wreck, but the car wreck is really fun. Like, I flip unside down, and the car slides around like a carnival ride. I wake up saying, "Well, nothing is going to top that!" The dream usually makes the rest of my day pretty lame. Sometimes, while I'm driving, I think maybe I should try getting into a weck, just to see if it would be as fun as it was in my dream. Of course, I realize that dreams are quite different from real life. I mean when is the last time you had a wet dream while awake? Come to think about it, when is the last time anyone had a wet dream at all? Arn't those like urban legends to scare adolecent boys into not going camping with their friends? If I ever saw someone have a wet dream I thought it would be fun to wait right up till the ending, and then just start beating the crap out of them.

Advice

A wise man once told me that, "I like to put a little toilet paper in the commode, so the water dosen't splash my butt." This is a picture of that man:

Better Kisser

The article, which originally appeared in Happen magazine (http://www.happenmag.com/), collects the opinions of 7 men, who give tips on how women can become better kissers. Fortunately for you, you won't have to go through the agony of reading the article, because I can some it up for you.

Steve says, Take Charge-and Timothy says Get your hands in on the action. Unfortunately, these men are both writers for a living and have not yet actually kissed a woman. What about you told me you haven't been kissed, oh yes, your name is Timothy. Maybe if you weren’t named after a tooth, women would find you attractive.

Sam, a cameraman, says Lean to the Right. But Sam, what if they are left handed? Do you not like disabled people, like left handed people?

Jon says-Close Your Eyes. But that is because Jon is blind. Watch out Jon, Sam told me he didn't like your type.

Chandler, a 34 year old club promoter says-Chuck the Gum. Although if you are a women, who is kissing a guy named Chandler and he is a 34 year club promoter, you should probably chuck the douchbag. Tell me Chandler, when did you decide to adopt that name? Was in 1994, or 1995? I can't remember when Friends became popular, but I bet your old name was Timothy.

Chris says-Pause before you Pucker. But he is stopping to readjust his pants.

John says-No Brushstrokes. I didn't understand what he meant by this at first. He is referring to women robotically rotating her tongue across your lips. I would suggest that John quit making out with his dog.

Doublemint Twins

My twin and I deserve a Doublemint commercial.
Lets examine the issue more closly.



To the left is a picture of Nichole and Natalie Garza. Pretty good looking, right? Well, shift your peepers to the left and you will find the Renfro twins. I believe I've made my point.

Bumming a Smoke From an Underage Girl: An Embarrassingly True Story

This weekend I had a little run in with a girl. She was sitting outside an apartment, when my friend and I approached. I was a bit intoxicated, so I don't remember if she was attractive, but I assume she was, and for the sake of the story, lets just say she was super hot (it makes me feel better about the situation).
Anyway, I found out she was in high school. High School is a bit too old for my likes, but I figured I'd give a shot anyway. When I asked her for a smoke, she did one of those moves, where you're trying to be hot by taking out a cigarette putting it in her mouth, lighting it, taking a puff and then handing it to me. Actually, when I think about it, that move is pretty hot. (To be brutally honest, I live a small life with very little happiness, so yes, moves like those are pretty hot)
Anyway, we got to talking. You know, just giving the old back and forth question exchanging. In the back of my mind I hoped all those questions would lead to the real back and forth, if you know what I'm saying.
Then she asked, "So do you go here?" (referring to college)
"The truth is not a good answer," I thought to myself. (No, I don't go here because I graduated, which means I'm way too old for you. Oh, by the way I don't have a job and live with my parents)
I walked away to a bit and acted like I didn't hear her, in hopes she would think of another question to ask. Next, my friend walked outside and offered the girl a beer, but her sister came outside and told her to come in. I'm guessing she didn't want her talking to me, but maybe she needed help cleaning up a diarrhea mess.
So, she walked out of my life forever. I guess I'll have to find some other way to get arrested.

Perez Hilton

I would like to take this opportunity to express my dislike of fellow blogger Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr., better known as Perez Hilton of Perezhilton.com Why does he have millions of readers a day, and only one (including myself)? Do people honestly think he is funny? Lets take at some of his work:

Bromance! That is hilarious. Its like two guys in a romance. I mean, that must have taken 5, maybe 6 seconds to think of. Oh, you didn't actually think of it yourself? You stole it from an episode of Will and Grace? But, I mean you're so cool and orginal. You're an exentric gay man, who makes bad jokes about celebrites. You can't see that on cable television 24 hours a day. Wait, you mean I can make jokes that are just as funny. Well, I'll give it a shot.

That was pretty good, right? Did I think of it by myself? Well, no. I kinda borrowed it from Dain Cook, but no one has ever heard his material.

Perez Hilton, you are not funny or interesting. I feel bad for saying that, so lets end this blog entry with something nice to look at:

The Land Before Time

The original 1988 Land Before Time is the greatest movie about dinosaurs ever, except for maybe Grumpier Old Men. As you probably already know, the film was produced by one of Steven Spilburg's 2000 film companies. In all honesty, I'm not sure which one.

Speilburg was also responsible for Jurassic Park, which lets face it, wasn't that good. First off, the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park weren’t animated. Secondly, I wanted to see a sex since between Jeff Goldbloom and a Triceratops, but only if the Triceratops was Jewish.

What I dislike about the Land Before Time Series is the part where they made it a series. There are 14 of those motherfuckers. 14!!! The first film made 84 Million dollars. The last one made $16.43 and a mint from Chickfila. Why are there so many of them? What are the names of them now? The Land Before Time: Cerra gets her period, or The Land Before Time: Littlefoot realizes that its not just his foot that is little. The movie title I would like to see is, The Land Before Time, the Dinosaurs go extinct and we use them as oil.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_land_before_time

http://imdb.com/title/tt0095489/

http://www.landbeforetime.com/main.html

Halloween

Today is Halloween! Here are a few of things I would like to do today:

1) Walk up to a person who is not wearing a mask and say, “Hey, take off that mask. You’re scarring the kids.” This joke is always hilarious. Plus, it’s a good way to insult my grandma.
2) Give candy to a stranger’s kid. Once a year it is okay to feel like a pedophile.
3) Dress up in a costume. This year, I have decided to go as Napoleon Dynamite. I think it will be a pretty original costume. It’s such a low budget independent film, that I’m sure no one appreciates it as much as I do. I’d be willing to bet that no one has seen it more than six times, quoted the jokes, said that it is awesome because it has no plot, or dressed up like the main character.
4) Watch a scary movie. I really like scary Halloween movies. I think this year I’m going to rent, Ghost. I just hope I don’t get too excited when Whoopi Goldberg feels up Demi Moore.

5) Not go to church. Sorry God, today I workship the devil.

Yeast Infection

Today I saw an ad for a kit that women use to check if they have a yeast infection. I wanted to do my part for the medical community by providing a checklist that women can use along with these kits. Below is a questionnaire to insure that women have a yeast infection, and not another type of medical problem.

Your symptoms include burning and itching in your vagina, please check yes or no.

1. Do you have a cat in your vagina?
2. Are your panties made out of fiberglass?
3. Is your vagina allergic to anything? (Perhaps tampons, or your pubic hair)
4. Did you catch guanaria from your pulsing shower head?
5. Does your vagina have hemorrhoids?

If you answered no to the following questions, you probably have a yeast infection. Please test yourself using a kit and consult a doctor.

Sunday

Sunday is my day. You know what I mean? Like, you have a day of the week and that day is just your day. Nothing bad can happen on that day, because it is your day. Unfortunately, my day is on the same day a lot of people say is God's day, which is a little inconvenient for me. When people tell me that Sunday is for the Lord, I tell them that I disagree--because Sunday is for the T-man. Personally, I only give God one day of the week. That day is Wednesday. God can have that day, because quit rankly I hate that day. If it weren’t for that TV. show, Pushing Daisies, I wouldn't have a reason to live on Wednesday. You really shouldn't give God more than one day. I mean one day is really all God deserves. If God wanted more than one day, then that would be gluttonies, and that is one of the seven deadly sins. If you have a day of the week, you should tell people, that way they know not to take your day. Don't let anyone take your day. Not even God.

Weddings

I attended a wedding this weekend. It was wonderful, thanks for asking. Although, it would have been better, if I had been invited.

What I like most about weddings is the hope for true love. I believe that everyone is looking a person to marry, and if they say otherwise, then they're a liar. This one time a girl told me she was going to a wedding and then added, "not mine, I'm single and fabulous!" Really, you're fabulous with being single, cause that's not what your four cats told me. Deep down inside that girl was hoping to meet a guy at the wedding reception, but won’t because she'll have four glasses of wine, start crying and blow a snot bubble during her toast.

What I like least about weddings is having half the guest confuse you for your more successful brother.
"Hey, aren’t you in grad school?"
"No...No, that's my brother."
"Yeah, but aren’t you getting a masters degree in history?"
"No, that's still my brother."
"Didn't you go to China?"
"You're right, I didn't. Cause that was my bother."
"Well, what are you up to now?"
"I'm collecting unemployment, but enough about me, let's talk about you. What have you been up to? Obviously not minding your own business."

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Ah yes, blondes. How us men folk sure do love them. There's something about those strands of gold that just scream boner. Why is it that men prefer blondes? I have a few explanations.



1. Brutnets are gross. Their hair is the same color as poop. We might as well call them poop heads. If I see a brunet, I say, "go away ugly, I don't like your type."
VS.

2. Blondes are considered promiscuous and dumb. Pam Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Nancy Grace are all morons and they'll pretty much go down on any guy.

VS.

3. There is something mysterious about blondes. Men are left wondering what is down below.


VS.
Oooh, Courtny! Does the Carpet match the curtains?

Mucinex

In the past I have commented on Chucky Cheese using a Rat as a mascot. In fact, Chucky Cheese does not have the most disgusting mascot I’ve ever seen. The over the counter drug Mucinex broadcasts television advertisements that feature an animated glob of snot. He is officially the grossest mascot invented. The dialogue below is how I believe he was created.

How can we advertise Mucinex?--Ad executive 1

I know, how about a cartoon snot.--Ad executive 2

That sounds like a risky move, unless we make him look like a character from "A Street Car Named Desire."-- Ad executive 1

What could possible express the benefits of Mucinex more effectively than a cartoon snot? I don’t know, maybe a spokes person, or actor who pretends to have congestion. Viagra uses actors, who pretend to be horny. Why can’t Mucinex use an actor? Mucinex, you are gross and racist against Polish people who lived in the 40s.

Biblical Humor

In order to appeal more to my Christian readers, I’ve decided to start writing biblical humor. The problem is, I’m not very talented at writing biblical humor. The following is a list of bad biblical jokes. I hope you enjoy them.

1. God spoke to be from a burning bush. I should have been paying attention, but I had a Liza Minelli song stuck in my head.

2. Jonah was swallowed by a whale, but that whale got diarrhea because Jonah was Mexican.

3. Joseph had a coat of many colors that his brother stole. My brother also had a coat of many colors that I wanted to steal, but then I found out it was a Members Only jacket.

4. Jesus pooped his pants. When the disciples saw it, they said, “Holly Shit.”

The Sandbox

Today I'm celebrating the invention of the sandbox, or as I like to call it, the place where fat kids spend recess. The sandbox is a great invention. Kids can pretend to be vacationing at the beach, or lost in the dessert, or that they're cats taking a piss in a litter box.

I find the sandbox to be pretty useless. You just kind of sit there. Isn't that being a little lazy?

In all honesty I don't know why I'm celebrating the sandbox today. I don't know when it was invented, or who it was invented by. I'd like to think Thomas Jefferson built the first sandbox as a gift to Ohio, after they were admitted to the union, but there is really no way of proving that. When you think about it, it makes perfect since. The sandbox is a worthless piece of playground equipment, Ohio is a worthless state. The two go hand in hand.

I do know that sometimes sandboxes are sometimes called sandpits. Sandpits sound alot more dangerous than sandboxes. I shudder to think of a world where children play in sandpits.

"Hey kids, go play in the sandpit. I hope you never come back! Say, while you're at it go throw those glass bottles at each other. Go ahead and knife fight with those rusty nails, they won't hurt. Candy is good for you and there are no consequences to your actions!"

Rather you call them a sandbox or a sandpit, the next time you see a group of kids playing in one, remember they are the future chain smokers of America.

Library Porn

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Degrassi: The Next Generation

Today, I watched an episode of the Canadian produced television series, Degrassi: The Next Generation. (Do you remember the other great television shows that Canada has provided us? Yeah, me neither.)

Anyway, the tagline for the series is: Degrassi, 100% intense. Let me tell you, they are not kidding!

Today on the show, the character Manny (Cassie Steelle) was breaking up with her boyfriend J.T.(Ryan Cooley) because she had become interested in Craig (Jake Epstein).

At this moment in the episode, J.T. has been depantsed at a hot tube party in front of Manny, who grimices at the site. During the depantsing, a character off-screen refers to J.T.'s penis as, "a stack of dimes." J.T. later sees Craig’s pee-pee in the locker room, and believes Manny is showing interest in Craig because of his size. The following is dialogue between Manny and J.T. (I should tell you that I am only paraphrasing, but none the less hope to express the inner anguish of the conflict that was so eloquently portrayed on screen.)

Craig has something I don't have.-J.T.

Yeah, its called maturity. Your always goofing around, and farting.-Manny

Wow. Thank you Degarassi: The Next Generation. You cut to the inner core of the human experience. Honestly, you make Dr. Martin Luther King and Gandhi look like babbling hobos. There is truly no need to read the Bible after you have heard the words of J.T. and Manny. I can now honestly say that I have no fear of dieing because of their inspiration. Degrassi is 100% intense, but also 100% poetic.

www.ctv.ca/mini/degrassi2006/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Degrassi:_The_Next_Generation

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0288937/

Player

Earlier this week a gentleman asked me, "What's up player?"

I didn't know what a player was, so I did some research on the internet. It turns out players are just black guys from 1996.

You see, these gentlemen really like to play, so much so, that they started calling themselves "players".

I cannot specify enough that they really like to play. I mean, really like to play. If they could be a recess 24 hours a day-7 days a week, they would.

Unfortunately, players can't play all the time, that’s why they created the term, "I ain't playin'."
However, I should warn you that about 78.4% of the time a player says he ain't playin', he actually is playing.

In the words of Dr. Dre in the song, No Diggity, I say "Play on Player...play on."

Hayden Panettiere: The Love Affair

Hayden Panettiere-the little girl from Alley McBeal and Remember the Titans is all grown up. (And not a moment too soon) If you thought she was hot then, you should see her know! The following story is how I came to fall in love with her.

I was sitting at home, (And by at home, I mean my parents' basement) when I realized that I live with my parents, don't have a girlfriend, and own a surprising large amount of Adam's Family collectables. For the first time in my life I realized that I am a nerd. Feeling depressed, I went to masturbate to an episode of Star Track Deep Space Nine. When I turned on the television, I saw a blond girl in an ad for Neutrogena face wash. All I can say is, that if the goal of Neutrogena is to give consumers a giant bonner, then mission accomplished.

"Bored? Go wash your face," she said.

"How did she know I had acne?" I thought to myself.

I fell instantly in love with her. She made me want to wash my face. Even more, I wanted to wash her face, right after I licked it. She made me want to do a lot of other things, like pee in my pants or developed an eating disorder. (What can I say; love makes you do crazy things.)

I googled her name and found she was the star of Heroes, a show coming on later that night. Naturally, I watched. Ever since then, I've been hooked. I can't get enough Heroes. I don't actually follow the story line, or know any of the other character's names, but she is great.

I'm going to Boston next week to meet her at a comic book convention. We'll probably share a few laughs over the fan letters I sent her with pictures of my wiener.

You may be thinking that I have no chance with her, that there will be a thousand other comic book nerds there to swoon over her, and that she’s never read a single one of my letters. But I believe that we have something special. I also believe that dreams do come true, and when people tell me they don't, I tell them about Roody.

http://www.hayden-panettiere.com/
http://haydenp-fan.net/
http://www.nbc.com/Heroes/

Goggles

I find it amazing that goggles fit the same on all ethnicities. You know whom I’m talking about. They have a game of checkers named for them. I’m specifically talking about all oriental swimmers, and not just ninjas. Their eyes are slanted. Yet, their eyes are still protected by the same goggles that protect the round eyes of a white, colored, or Mexico man. If I owned a goggle making company I would make two types of goggles. One make of goggle would be only for round eyes, the other for slanted. Just for being different, I would charge Orientals twice as much.